Tuesday, December 20, 2011

So i wonder.

I often wonder what goes on in peoples minds. When someone stares off in space, or is walking around enjoying a beautiful day. The internet is a viable source of finding it out but when was the last time you had a random stranger come up to you and tell you an interesting piece of information that you did not know? It seems like the government has now convinced us that there is a time and place for everything, EVEN OUR THOUGHTS! We turn to communication solely through the internet. When we go out to a social place, we turn to the internet to communicate with the familiar instead of getting to know the unknown that is right in front of our faces. Why is it for so many people to stay inside a bubble rather than to say one simple word that can change your whole existence. That word is HELLO. We wonder why we have so much sorrow, so much solitude, so much anger! The fact is we are so disconnected as a whole that we have lost sight of the importance of life. EACH OTHER! Imagine a life where you could openly talk about things with each other and really connect with someone. Or a life where if your tears show on your face while you were walking down the street, someone would come up and ask you whats wrong and offer a hug and a wise word to leave you to ponder. If we cannot come together, get past the evil in this world and unify, we are weak. We are the beaten slaves our ancestors have produced through greed, gluttony, sloth, anger, revenge, etc. if we cannot be willing to get past our hurt, our own anger, lack of trust, etc and reach out to ANY fellow person around. We have lost LOVE. We no longer exist. Love is a ruling factor of life. Having it or being deprived of it determines a sociological outcome of how successful, how prone we are for disease, how intellectual we can become. If you cant give a sad person walking down the street a hug and a wise word, YOU HAVE NOT FULFILLED YOUR LIFE MISSION. Sometimes it takes baby steps but we are in a world of "leaps and bounds". We are not baby boomers and don't have all the time in the world anymore. As i always say "CARE-BEAR STARE"

Friday, December 16, 2011

Sex and procreation

People say "god made sex for procreation only" and thats great for a select genre of people. Your the breeders of the world. We need that mentality. I like being the opposite of that. I WILL NEVER PROCREATE. Until we fix our own selves and this precious world that we all are taking our sweet time to fix, how could i ever thinking about leaving someone else to take care of it. We have plenty enough people in this world. Were not rare lions or something. I get the blessing of JUST focusing on two things. Myseld AND EVERYONE. Gay people are here to help fix what has been broken for quite some time due to greed, sloth, gluttony, anger, revenge, vanity, and lust. Yes some of us gays get lost in some of those things as well. Society hasn't been to LOVING or kind. When an animal gets beat for a long time mentally or physically it tends to learn aggressive behavior as a defense mechanism. It hurts to be hurt. No one in their semi sane mind wants that.. I think that no matter what, if you cant practice "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." to EVERYONE in your life INCLUDING YOURSELF, you should NOT procreate. Its just selfish any other way.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I just dont understand

Ive always been the type of guy that lights up a room with energy and laughter. People like me cuz im nice and fun and outgoing and on top of that i make them think. Challenge their mind for their self growth and purpose. The past 6 months though it has become slowly different. I have become reclusive. Not only because of financial reasons but also because i have wanted to. My mind is bringing up feelings of worthlessness and sorrow. Little things like well you dont deserve to go out, or you will never find the love of your life because you are a piece of shit and don't deserve to be loved like that. Your ugly and scrawny, balding, and dying. Why would anyone want to invest time with you unless its just to fuck you. It almost seems like my mind is starting to damn my soul. Of course i dont want to think this way, i dont want to be that person but how do i tell myself that its not true and believe it? Its really sad and irritating because i am a strong person. I dont cry, i pick myself up and figure out solutions to scenarios and i grow from them. I have cried so much these past few months and im now in a rut i feel like is becoming a cycle of insanity and im just so worm out from it all. I thought my soul was sick and tired when i lived in arizona but its like moving to california and dealing with deprivation over and over time after time has just enhanced everything I've always felt my whole life from Bieng told these things repetitively. I feel weak and i don't like it because since i was 21 all i did time and time again was fought death because i wanted to live, and more and more its becoming the opposite was around. God give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference! Help me lord! Please save my soul from the devils in my mind because i know i should feel love, if not from any other person in this world, i should feel it from you but i dont. I feel a void in my soul god that only you can fill! Will you help me god? Will you open my blinded eyes and teach this fool your wisdom!? I need you so much right now! This very moment, and from this day forward!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The voices within my head

Get up off you ass! Your worthless. What a piece of shit. You'll never amount to anything. You dont deserve love. Your nothing. Your stupid. Your weak. Your an idiot. Your a loser. You should die! No one really gives a shit about a piece of trash like you. Your disposable. Your going to hell no matter how hard you try. Keep fighting you will only lose. This game of life you have already lost. Angels don't listen, the devil just laughs. My soul is forsaken. Eternal misery is a given. I am cursed. I am sin

Friday, November 25, 2011

Endless tunnel

An endless tunnel,
Where i thought was light.
I didnt give up,
All i did was fight.
Countless scenarios where i almost died,
Many sleepless nights in which i cried.
I prayed and prayed for life to begin.
But it will never happen,
I am born of sin.
My light was just hope,
And through time it just faded.
My hope was just falsifed,
And left me just jaded.
Jaded of this world, the nastiness within.
The world is my hell and i am the sin.
My eyes are now shut,
And this is my prayer.
God help me with life,
Help me with despair.
I want your light,
Your loving glow,
At the end of my tunnel,
I hope you show!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Super sad

I feel as if i need to get this out of my system so i am. I feel so overwhelmed lately. I had to move once again because my lease was up and now i live in hillcrest. Im with one of my best friends from arizona and that is a total blessing to have him here but everything else is deprivation. No money, no food, cant find work. Even this thanksgiving i will be 100 percent alone cuz curtis has to work and i likely wont eat either. People say look at the bright side, there are people that have it worse. I do look at that but simple fact is I live my life not theirs and mine is pretty shitty too. I look for work, yet i get nothing, i search for food, yet no one gives. I don't sleep well because i stress every day and i just become sicker and sicker with health problems. Sometimes i think i wish i could just die already so i wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore but i know i wont. My will is too strong, even if my mind and body say different. Plus if i was to die, who would create the business i am trying to start. Probably no one. My life mission is to leave a legacy for mankind. I sometimes wish i could just cry for days yet my body wont allow it. My mind justifies not doing so. How is it i pray to god for guidance, for love, for angels, and yet every day is still a struggle. I live by love. I treat people with respect, i embrace kindness and openly express ways for others to love. You would think i would at least get the simple things like food. I don't know. This seems pointless to even be expressing because when it comes down to it, i am the leader of my destiny. Even if people had sympathy/empathy they offer words. Words don't help, actions help. I know poor people so they cant offer much action, which i would likely turn down even if they offered anything. I WILL NOT take anything from poor people cuz i think they deserve whatever little things they have way more than i. I have been a horrible person in this life. I honestly don't feel as if i deserve to have happiness or the one true love in this life i have hopes for. I don't think god thinks i deserve it either. Maybe its true and the devils has this world and all of us in it. I just hope all these sorrows are taken away when i die. Oh well. I will continue to suffer, continue to love EVERYONE, continue to pray, continue to do my best to create a better world for others, and if when i die thats enough then well, its not enough. I wish i had happy thoughts right now though cuz i cant think of many at all. I am numb!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Day 1 "the hungry traveler"

As i went forth into day 1, i realized how much of a competition it was even to find a spot to "panhandle". Every time i would find a spot 15 minutes later a hoard of homeless people would gather around and "hustle". I came to a spot eventually and started to panhandle and was suprised at the lack of concern in drivers faces. Most would look down or away or start messing with their cell phones. Granted i only did it for three hours and in that time i made 4 dollars, a sack lunch, a taco bell buritto, two granola bars, and a six pack of soda. There was some welcoming friendly faces in the mix as well. Mainly elderly and young children and girls that looked like they could be from college. I felt like most all the people felt an internal "pressure" to help, much like a girl outside a grocery store selling girlscout cookies. I went inside businesses and asked how they felt about it and majority of them had a negative reaction to the concept. One guy who had a windshield repair stand said that he pays 1400 a month for a tiny little spot next to the freeway and when homeless people come to panhandle his business suffers from it, but the days they are not there, he ends up profiting. My instant internal thought was to collaborate with the homeless person and actually tell them the business is suffering and have the homeless person tell people with cracked windshields that are giving to him/her that they can get it fixed right over there. That way business is actually promoted while homeless still get money. Thats just my crazy thought process though. Seems tabu to mingle with the different social classes. I have heard all sorts of stereotypes from business owners/workers yet none of them admit to actually talking to them. Stereotypes do exist though for a reason. I talked with one homeless person that admitted to cooking meth. He showed lack of remorse for doing it knowing what meth does to people and said its just what he knows to do that profits greatly. He did it with cousins and uncles from the age of 13. It makes me sad to know that for 30 years this guy didnt have ONE positive role model in his life to teach him of other ways. It became an innate nature of selfishness due to lack of actual LOVE that drove the inevitable apathy he developed for his fellow man. Most all the homeless people were smart in each of their own ways. the "chemist/mechanic" that i just described or the "musician" that i encountered as well. I found out very quickly that homeless people just want to be heard, given a chance to exchange knowledge, them progress from there. In society there is a broken link to that chain due to stereotypes. Most common people with jobs/businesses/families approach the concept of homeless people as having to "walk on eggshells". For the most part, thats not even remotely the case at all. You approach them with love, kindness, and an open ear and it rekindles a light in their eye. So this is my conclusion for day 1. Stop judging, start mixing in with them, approach everyone with LOVE. Love meaning that it is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Three day study

Today i will embark on a three day study to analyze the different social stigmas and prove the equality or inequality of them. Day 1 will consist of "the traveler" i will stand by the freeway with a sign saying "hungry traveler", day 2 will be "disabled and homeless" and day 3 will be the "hungry convict". It will compare the mentalities of: choice not to work, not able to work, and wont be given a chance to work. My hypothesis is i will be given the most amount with "the traveler" and the least amount with "the convict" based on peoples everyday perception of those social stigmas. A portion of the proceeds will go to various charities.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Am i crazy?

I just dont understand how people can be so deeply lost to where they would want to die. Its a weird mentality to me. Not only is it self indulgent to where it affects loved ones, but its the only life we get. Maybe they have never been on a crash course with death before. People never really appreciate things until its gone i suppose. NOT ME THOUGH! I think all the time how blessed i am to even be able to move. Many cannot. How i do not die of starvation because many are. How i have comfot in the bed i lay in because many will not have that blessing. THEY SHOULD THOUGH! I love the fact i can smell a rose, or see the magnetic ocean. To hear music being played or the wonderful sound of a child's laughter. Life is such an adventure with new places and people and new knowledge that helps your own personal growth. Am i crazy to have this mentality when all that around me is negative? Am i living in a delusional state of bliss? I know it is MY CHOICE to see the glass as half empty or half full. I once led a miserable lonely life with self indulgence and inner hatred when i saw the glass as empty. It seems to me that life is so much brighter knowing that its not completely empty and i still have many sips to appreciate.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Refried bean recipe i made up

1/2 package garbanzo beans (dry 16oz)
1/2 package kidney beans (dry 16oz)
1/2 package pinto beans (dry 16oz)
1 1/2 tbspn crushed red pepper
1 tspn cayenne pepper
3 tbspn garlic powder
3 tbspn onion powder
1 1/2 tbspn creole seasoning
1 tbspn salt
I cup conola oil
Soak beans overnight. Sift through to pick bad beans out. Cook on low heat WITHOUT draining soak water. Add spices and oil. After about 20 min start mashing beans. Water will boil down so when beans start to stick a little after stir put one cup water back into it. Repeat process until desired consistancy.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Livingnecessity goal!

Hey peeps. I have a goal that i would like to meet. I am trying to add at least 5 new resources to my www.livingnecessity.com website each day until the end of the year! That way i will have at least 360 to 400 available resources for people to get their needs met whether it be food, shelter, clothes, rental assistance, medication help, dental work, etc BUT I NEED YOUR HELP. If you know of any resources in your area, please contact me at jason@livingnecessity.com so i can start creating your state full of resources. Remember, the information you provide could change the lives of many for the future! You willing to be that angel? Let us all come together and make this world a little easier place to live in!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Awesome soulmate action

I had a dream last night of my soulmate and it was so cool. Im 31 and have never had a boy friend and never really cared too much about getting one. Not that i didn't want to know what it was like to fall in love but as i went through life and established friendships with others, i knew my life wasn't like normal peoples to where they have failed relationships and devastation and falling in love again and all that. I have always known that there will be only one love that i get to experience and it would be towards the end of my life. Ive always, since about 19 or 20, communicated in my dreams with that person. Just little things like i cant wait to meet you, or let him know when i have been down and out that i needed him. He always responded back in my dream too and has done the same thing with me. He even called me recently to san diego saying that time is coming soon and he will be here waiting for when i am ready. Its been a subconscious love that has driven me to live through things doctors say should have killed me a long time ago. So last night i heard his voice for the first time ever! We were on the phone talking about how much we missed each other and how it has been so long since we last touched and we laughed about corny jokes i believe we were talking about through the lives we both had here apart from another and at the end before i woke up he said that he loved me and time is coming for both of us to unite again and share the rest of our lives together just like we both planned. Ive always known that my life was nothing but a fun adventure and never feared death because i knew how i was going to die, when i was going to die, and who will be around when i die and I've always known my only reason for living is to live life until i reach my soulmate again so we can both die together in each others arms. Ive loved this person for many lifetimes and know i will probably play this game called life again to find him all over again and find that one true love. To me, love is eternal. Through life, through death. It lives on forever. I love you soul mate and i will keep my heart open and my eyes peeled! I hear your voice now!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Got Knocked Out!

So, last night as I was walking home from a friends I had bought a 40 of corona that I was going to go home and drink before going to bed because I got a job doing some construction work. So I'm walking down the street talking to a friend from high school about some issues she was going through and giving advice and I walk past the bar that I live by and there is this black guy shouting at the top of his lungs at this little guy and being all irritating. So I just stop and see whats going to happen because I have a very curious nature and I personally like seeing others drama (I thank society for that due to many hours of watching violent things on tv because of a lack of parental supervision). So anyways, this guy walks in the street like he is about to go to his car and then comes back and shoves this guy into the wall against the bar and I immediately should "what the fuck man, don't do that shit" so he comes over to me and says "fuck you, you want a piece of me too" (now I so hate that tough guy bullshit stupid ass ignorant talk so that pissed me off. Hes like "you dont want to fuck with me, I'll burn you" (he had a smoke he was smoking as did I) so I was like "bitch I got a 40 in my hand that Ill crack on your fucking skull and burn you back" lol. I was raised in the ghetto so you have to excuse me. Immediately he cracked me in the skull and I am guessing it knocked me down (I didnt think that until today when I woke up my butt was bruised, wrists are sore to the point of its really hard even typing this) I took my 40 (normally if a 40 is in a bag and you want to use it as a weapon, you do a double wrap with the bag around the wrist, grab the base and uppercut or backhand) but I didnt have that position so i ended up swinging the 40 and it broke the bag and the 40 went splashing down in the road (another irritation cuz im poor as hell and that bitch cost like 4 dollars) So I am like fuck this ill just call the cops and get your black ass arrested instead of fighting you back. Im over this dumb shit. So he tries grabbing my IPHONE (a very good reason I am poor. sorry verizon but you cost to damn much for unlimited shit) and I immediately grab it like its my dick and start dialing 911. He tried bashing it into a light pole and only slightly dinged it with paint (thank god cuz iphones are fucking expensive to replace) and I call the cops and he splits. (no comment but insert comment if you wish). So the cop gets there and I tell him the story and all that and they ask if I want to press charges and of course I say yes. This is the only time I have been hit since like 4th grade! even then I don't think I was hit, I just beat some guys ass by putting him in a headlock. Other than that, I'm a hippie. Peace. Love. Harmony. End war, Make love, smoke weed type guy. Not a Im a barbaric idiot that has no intellectual capacity to resolve conflicts with communication and understanding so ill just pound your face type guy. I freaking hate those type of guys. I just think its funny though because there were witnesses out there that kept on telling me how brave I was to defend a man I didn't even know and how that was an act of bravery and they all wanted to buy me drinks because I was sad about my 40. (still kind of mourning the loss of the 4 dollar 40 but I replaced it with another one so actually it just became an 8 dollar 40) anyways but I honestly don't think it was heroic or brave or anything like that. To me, if I was the person who was getting shoved up against a wall, I know I would have wanted someone to try to stop the guy that was doing it to me if the guy was bigger. Thats it. That and maybe parial insanity cuz I'm very tra la la with a quick to react mentality. I dont know. I think the whole thing was funny and stupid. BUT my buttbone hurts, my jaw is throbbing, I am all migrainey and my wrist hurts and ibuprofen isnt helping so I'm taking my ass to the hospital. Fuck the dumb shit. So ya... thats my story I'm sticking to it :-) PEACE!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Church Meal In Normal Heights San Diego

So, I finally decided to check out this church that offers meals called Christ United Methodist Church. It's located at 3295 Meade Avenue in San Diego California. They have meals Monday through Friday from 5pm-7pm for homeless/low income families that places like VONS/Jack-In-The-Box and other various places donate food/supplies too. Let me tell you that was the best free meal I have EVER had. I am in a place right now to where I am barely able to make ends meet so maybe I am just EXTRA appreciative of this service that was offered, but the meal consisted of a ham/cheese type keish with a crumb topping, vegetable soup, spinach salad, and a fruit parfait that was just amazing as well. So, I decided that I should offer my services in helping clean up after everyone left and I did so. By the way, the people there are really nice people, very social and talkative. There was even a lady who brought her dog in because she had found him left in a shopping cart half starved and obviously abused so she decided to take him into her home and give him a loving home. These are the type of people I met today. Anyways, There is one guy that is a cook and a lady that serves the food to people and another kid who is apparently 18 years old and I sensed mentally challenged. I kind of think the cook and the lady are as well (I sense these things pretty well being mentally challenged myself in some ways as well as having been around this classification of people for most of my life). The lady and the man started talking after the kid had left because he had a curfew of being home by dark (another two and two i put together with my awesome handivision) and were discussing how sometimes this kid only did half assed things and it really didn't help so they were thinking of asking him NOT to come back and help because it only made more work for them. Now, I do understand that mentality because (I think they had OCD issures, not 100 percent so don't quote me) I have that type of tendency myself. HOWEVER, my thoughts are this sweet little kid who was really nice and had good manners is volunteering to help these people with the kindness of his heart and soul. THAT RIGHT THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL! To me, I don't understand saying to a person "I don't want your help because its not helping". I personally say, HELP ALL YOU WANT, and if its not dont my way, I just go and backtrack to get things done my way. There are so many selfish, ungrateful people in this world that don't want to help anyone that if they DO SHOW AN ACTIVE INTEREST IN HELPING HUMANITY, SUPPORT IT AT ALL COSTS! Apparently I am going back tommorrow cuz they were pleased with my help, but I am going to have a little talk with them on this subject. I don't judge them as a person because they also are really nice people doing a very nice cause for the community, but I am a blunt person that has to speak my mind whenever I feel my mind should speak. All in all, this is a wonderful place with a wonderful community doing a wonderful thing with awesome food! God bless that church and everyone in it. ALL CHURCHES SHOULD BE LIKE THIS! The world would no longer hunger if that was the case!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


I know I don't talk a lot about my feelings or experiences in life because a lot of people frankly don't want to hear it, or so I have come to believe. I figured I would express it now. At least some of it. When I was 19 and my friend had told me to go hitchhiking, I did so. I up and left everything and everyone I knew on a journey that I was not sure I would come back from. I left without any fear because it was an adventure to me. It was new and fresh. I didn't think of things like how am I going to eat, where will I sleep, what if I die. It was my first real feeling of GOD being present in my life and I didn't even know it until the end of my journey hitchhiking. I remember as I walked from El Paso, TX to Anthony, NM in order to get my stuff that was stolen from me that I had acquired through hitchhiking, I felt so exhausted and hungry and hot and thirsty and yet I kept walking and walking for what seemed like an eternity. I never felt alone though. I always kind of knew that GOD was walking with me and felt like we just were doing it together. I felt that mainly because of the couple that brought me back to El Paso in the first place talking all the way from KC Missouri to El Paso about the bible and GOD and the Devil so I'm sure it was fresh in my mind. Regardless, I felt it and I trusted it. I loved the concept of. Shortly afterwards, I became completely paralyzed and rather quickly. I went into ICU and the doctors weren't hopeful that I would survive and said that even if I did that there might be a possibility that I never fully come out of the paralysis. I remember the day or two before I snapped out of it very clearly. I had closed my eyes to go to sleep and I saw my dead friend (the one who told me I should hitchhike in the first place) and he was standing in front of me, just hovering and smiling and told me that it was ok if I wanted to go. That it's nothing to fear. There will be no more pain or sorrow and then a white hand reached out in front of him. I remember wanting SOOO bad to go. To leave all the pain behind but as I went and reached out my hand I smelt the sense of roses and then saw pictures of mountains that I have never seen and flashes of acres of different colored flowers and then people I had never met and I knew my choice right then. It was to live with the pain of life because I knew that with all that pain I would have to go through, I would be on that adventure once again to see those mountains, to meet those people, and smell those flowers. Through my life I have outlived some people that should have outlived me. I have been told by many of doctors that they don't understand why I am still alive. Even down to a month or two ago my doctor saying in all the years he has been a doctor he has never seen a person with such a high viral load and not be sick or even dead. The only thing I can come up with that makes sense is that I CHOOSE TO LIVE. EVERYDAY! I don't want to die, so I don't. I'm not scared to die at all. I know that once I do die, all my pain will just disappear. God told me so a long time ago and I trusted that and I still do, but I would rather HURT EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE dealing with emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental pain than to give up on this adventure. I CANT GIVE UP! This lifetime is so blessed in so many ways for me to be like I am done. I want to live until GOD says "I'm sorry jason, you just cannot live another day. I wish you could but it's your time as well as everyone elses". Until that day comes, no matter how sick I am, no matter how much I am in pain, no matter how tired and weak I become. I will live. I will never complain about it either because not only am I tough, I am blessed! I don't know the reasoning for me telling all this but it just came to me in my head and I figured I would share it with the world. I love this fucking world! As crazy and insane as it is, as sad as it sometimes makes me. I love it! I am glad to be a part of it, and I wouldn't trade my experiences in it for anything else. Thank you GOD for giving me a choice to live in it. Amen!

Thursday, July 28, 2011


So last night I went to this little Pentecostal church that is right down the street from me. I wasn't going to because I had gone to the doctors and hadn't eaten all day and was kind of hungry but it was literally 730p when I walked past the church on my route home and I was like Okay it wont hurt to just go. I get in there and its just maybe 7 people besides myself (pastor/wife included) and they start praising. Now it just think its funny when people say hallelujah over and over like a broken record. So I was holding in some giggles and just trying to focus on my own prayer to god while they did that for what seemed to be a good 15 minutes. We finally got down to it and he started talking different scriptures about jews and stuff. Didn't really pay attention to it too much, I was having my own conversations with god. Then they started talking about there not being a holy trinity. That jesus was in fact god and that grabbed my attention. So I listened again. The way they were talking about jesus though, it scared me. They made it sound like jesus was like a demon to be exorcized. They also started talking about speaking in tongue (that right there just reminds me of harry potter) so I am like OMG did I just join team slytherine BUT NOOOOOOO I'm team griffindor. I always knew instinctively that the devil ruled the tongue, hense blasphemers, but when I heard that I was like this is too wierd and culty for me. I love my god, i worship my god, but if I get an eery presence around me feeling like this isnt right. I just cannot be there any longer. I respect your beliefs Pentacostal religion, but I do not agree. I found out last night I was NOT that. I then started to wonder.... what if I got baptized in all the religions you can get baptized in. I mean, the root is love so it wouldn't be a bad thing I guess. I am trying to dedicate my life to you GOD, and only you. I guess my first mission in life is to understand the differences in religion and how its ok because as twisted as it may seem, they only intend to have good intentions. They want love, and to know how to love. They are human.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Take for Granted

Why is it people take for granted that when they rest, they will wake up? Is it trust? Where does that trust come from? Why don't you just thank that thing that gives you the ability to trust to wake up to see another day right now. Just say HEY, THANK YOU! I TRUST IN YOU! Why do so many people walk past beautiful flowers that are full of vibrant colors just screaming for your attention saying LOVE ME, LOVE ME! Next time you see a flower just go up to it and say I DO LOVE YOU! We all want to be loved but yet we find it so hard because we want to put ourselves in a world of bubbles. Our bubble in our car, our bubble in our work, our bubble in our family, our bubble in our friends. We fear so much coming out of that bubble that we are blinded. We stop losing appreciation for those little things in life. We stop putting trust in life. I encourage everyone to just start by the little things. Pay attention to your surroundings more. Right next to you could be standing a person that is two inches away from suicide with a look of sorrow in their soul and by just you saying hi and noticing them might give them a feeling of connection. A reason to live. Your kindness and willingness to connect might be the one thing that changes a persons life to where they go out and change another and another and another. We live in a world of hopelessness and fear and war and poverty and sorrow. But we also live in a world of hope and faith and love and community and peace. We get lost in our lives, lost in our routines, lost in our bubble and fail to realize that same hopelessness can be changed into hope with just a loving soul that may be next to you right now. I hope we all find our "heaven" and no one has to have to endure hell on earth at its finest. But YOU have to be an active participant in making it "heaven on earth" as well. We all do! It starts with a simple HELLO!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

emo KINDA poetry

I see the light,
radiating like the sun.
I know it exists and is the kindle of my existence.
My hope, my dreams, my love, my reason.
In order to know the light,
I must know the dark.
Such a lonesome path,
hopelessness, sorrow, inadequacy, stress, emotionless, drained.
My karma is my balance
When can they merge?
Is there ever balance?
Energy is not fluent, yet extreme.
I am an angel.
I am a devil.
When will this purgatory happen so I can just wait?
No angel, not devil, no ups, no downs.
Just a feeling of content awaiting an answer
I show my love to others.
Hugs, love, laughter, light, life.
I just want the same for me as well.
I feel so solitary in this world.
My other angels have not found me.


I just wonder when my balance will come. I was raised as a dirt poor person, never having a real childhood because my family could not afford it, never having really any fun memories at all. I am now okay with that. Its just so irritating and semi depressing because I have always been poor. Not like poor but like one step up from homeless poor. I have never won at casino's, never any prize contests. My soul almost feels like my path is deprivation and appreciation in the most extremes of circumstances. Sometimes I just don't have money to eat, so I don't eat for a few days. This type of life is really hard on a person who is nothing but a dreamer. I see so many things I COULD be doing and appreciating, but I cant and then reality kicks in and It makes me sad. I don't want money in life. NEVER DID, NEVER WILL. I just want to be able to see those things that I want to do and just be able to do them. NO LIMITATIONS, NO DEPRESSIVE REALITIES. I wish money would just go away completely. It limits me on my potential growth as a person. I guess I am just sad and really overwhelmed. I truly do understand the homeless mentality and the loss/sorrow/struggle/pain/worry/hopelessness that goes along with the concept of MONEY. MONEY FUCKING MONEY FUCKING MONEY! I hate the initial bastard that had to put "WORTH" into peoples head. I'd like to go back to just the mentality of trade.

Friday, July 15, 2011


Why is love in so important to people? People put way too much focus on it as a basis of NEED. Like the studies that have been conducted on babies where one was just given the basics in life and left alone, and another was nurtured. The baby in solitude had a lowered immune system/IQ, where the one that was nurtured had a higher level of those. BUT was it love? I think its more the connection. A person in solitude cannot establish the connection between others which our body innately knows we need. I feel love EVERYWHERE. I don't personally need it from one specific person. I get it from the trees, I get it from the air, the clouds, the ocean, from EVERYONE I meet in life. I have never questioned that. I talk to the trees and get a sense of them waving their leaves hi back to me. I feel the air flowing through my body saying I love you, therefore I give you life. I look at the clouds and notice the beauty of the different formations and just thank them for gathering enough moisture and producing rain that also gives me life. I am loved everywhere I go. YOU are loved everywhere you go. I think people just create their own idealistic expectation that they need it in human form. I do agree that people do need to be touched and hugged. It creates that sensation of safety and reassurance, but I think if people were so LESS dependant on giving it that much focus and just KNOW that it exists, the energy could be put elsewhere to be utilized in a positive way. Eiher way. I have questioned the concept "what is love" best way i can describe just happens to be in the bible. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4" if you memorize that and tell yourself that everyday, it becomes a habit to always think like that. It alters the way you make decisions and life truly becomes simpler.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Psychic Mind

I went to the beach today and felt like I embodied the natural energy the water sends to us. I oddly some how feel really psyhically in tune with nature and the universe. Its something you cannot explain to see nothing but energy. No images of reality, no feelings. It almost makes you feel like your being lifted above the ground. I sensed that that energy the ocean gave to me as I talked to the waters. I felt like it gave me questions and answers. One that specifically came to mind was a receptor that is linked brain activity wise in the mind. Why don't we try a way of pinpointing that receptor and find herbs that activate that specific realm of the brain. A muscle will grow when used frequently. Why cant we find a way to ALWAYS have that psychic portion of our brain activated at all times. The trees will tell their stories, the waters will warn of danger. I think if you don't constantly talk to nature and ask it things, nature will concider you a virus. If you ask for their understanding, they will find a way to put the energy into your brain to let you understand. I love the ability to talk to nature. You can call me crazy, but nature puts information in my head because it knows I will communicate them. Give me a disorder psychology fans, but its something you have too, you just never tried because you don't want to be labeled. Also, lately I have been having these feelings of energy again that hoover around individuals. I had that as a kid when I was young. I could tell a good or a bad person by a color they had around their physical body. Not a thick color. Almost like a light layer of skin. I lost that because I embraced trauma and felt I needed to create a wall of protection from the world around me. I feel like I am now letting myself break down that wall and ready to shine it brightly. People have been taking notice too in subtle ways.I feel like I am going to see angels and demons soon in peoples souls. Just an instinct, maybe a disorder but I BET I WILL KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU INSTINCTIVELY.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


I have always lived my life in fear as a child. Fear of molestation, fear of physical abuse, fear of emotional/psychological abuse, fear of survival and stability. I embodied it into my soul which affected my mind and essentially had negativity in my life. It took me to to where I developed Guillian Barre Syndrom where all my sense of control, humility, pride, arrogance, vanity, selfishness did I realize that it was a root of fear that caused the negativity into my body causing disease and strife. It made life easy to BLAME GOD because why would god do that to a child of innocense? why couldnt he help me when I needed him the most. It was my life lesson being taught in a very elongated process that I could not as a human understand. That not only took my fear away when I was lying in a deathbed on ICU having doctor and doctor saying that IF perchance my lungs and heart don't fail, there would be a probability that I may never be "normal" again. Walking, running, lingering nerve damage causing pain, etc. I am stubborn though. Through getting Guillian Barre, I felt EVERY nerve ending, EVERY blood flow, Every connection of my body. I basically did the same thing the girl in kill bill did when she atrophied AND IT WORKED. It was a slow process but all I knew is If I could move just ONE FINGER, my brain would recognize that. From that point on I decided If I had a fear (within logical reason) I would just replace it with trust in something bigger than myself. If I had a small fear, I CHALLENGED that fear because I trusted I would get through it. Hell, as of now I can walk, I can run, I can do EVERYTHING I could normally do. It was because my mind controled my body and my body responded to my mind and my soul was so strong in that faith they they together made the impossible POSSIBLE. AND I WAS OKAY! I have seen fear in others daily lives whether big nor bad and I will always tell them, fear just lets negative energy come through your pathways in order to manifest like a virus and ruin ALL hope your soul has will for. A man once told me (crazy ass spirtitual trucker guy) that fear is the only way the devil can get you. He cant touch your body and sure the hell has no say in your will, but he has the mind! Thats his loophole, but FAITH always wins and it just pisses him off but he/she/it knows you cant beat will power. Fear not the small things, it makes shit worse when the big shit hits the fan (an it will. Life is a test and thats an aspect of it) but if you collect so much hope, it becomes subconcious that you will make it through whatever it may be, a lesson will be learned, and you will evolve.

Monday, July 11, 2011

First Entry

Well I am Bipolar so I have to say that these pages might not be a stable thing, But I will give it my best. I am basically going to try to pick a topic everyday and just rant and rave about it. I might be right, I might be wrong, But it will be my thoughts/beliefs so I DONT CARE. My topic that I thought of today was evolution and where we are going in the next decades to come. I am totally big on astrology and just ponder stuff like will this be the era of evolution. Will we finally because so genetically altered that we therefore HAVE to become alien like? Its weird to me to see how people are so quick to being and alien is scary. So is humanity. Those abduction stories. Just an aliens version of a scientist. Its probably how rats feel about humans. I know I would. Anyways. I think because we are entering a world of unity and connection as opposed to separation and war, that we might just find a way to utilize our full brains and evolve. I do understand there are people that want to prevent that as well. I don't know why, it just benifits everyone. Either way. I have a belief that our souls chose this exact era to be born in and I think it is mainly to see how FUN technology is. I would have loved to have been in the 70's coking it up, doing gangbangs and burning bra's. I think that is such a fucking cool era, but would have give up this world of amazement to do so. NO. I wonder if this is nothing but the ying to the yang. Let me explain. As we have grown since the age of pisces, which was all about god and the separation of humanity that fate said you know what, now that humanity has been separated and war/hatred has been established let us give them the lifes lesson of LOVE, unity, enlightenment. Let us utilize this in smart methods to where emotional IQ has been FORCED through this era to become so high, that NOW we will give them mental IQ. One branch of the stage of evolution that is HIGHLY important. I personally don't know if I will every fully know, but why not ponder. My theory is ANYTHING your mind can think of, someone has already thought that PLUS ONE. and then you wonder, what would that be? thats where I thank you technology because you can just find that out. Back in the day, you just would have to accept that you will NEVER know. Now you can.