I am lost

Since coming back to san diego i have felt so lost that i dont know what i am to do. I know a lot has to do with the guilt of getting drunk and losing my nanas rosary. Its consuming me. Altho i think maybe that cross was only meant to symbolize the end of an addiction. Each time i think of drinking i see the cross and my heart breaks all over again. It should be a blessing but that comes with a bitter sorrow. I think of why i came here in the first place. To finish my website and start this business. Granted i know that it would benifit many people but its also selfish because i know i would gain material posessions. Im not supposed to have material items though. I have always been a materialless person in a material world. Its kinda like how i know my life is not meant to love another person intimately as well. I am supposed to know the sorrow without love and a life without things. Im thinking maybe i should just go back to tucson and live in a homeless shelter. I could still work on my website which still have tons of work and people will still use it (i hope) but i could also be with my family. I miss the love of my gramma. The earthliness of my auntie. The conradary of my sister and the friendships of my cousins. I want my niece and nephews to have an uncle. As much of a lack of inspiration i am to people. I still feel i have an impact on their existance. I wish god would give me answers but my god has never worked that way. I was given free will and he just wants to kick back and see what i become (or dont become). I really hope next month the world ends. I am really tired. More so my soul than my body, even tho thats pretty worn too. I dont think the end of the world will happen tho. If the bible contains the truth then everyone is putting faith in nostradamus as well as the myans which duh would be false prophets. God says he will come and steal you like a theif in the night and no man shall predict his coming. I have a feeling thats true. I just want to find HOME and go there. My soul has been lost way too long.

Why do i think the way i do

All my life ive been able to tell people about theirselves. People dont believe me (and thats fine, but i dont lie so thats all that matters to me) but when i was a kid i grew pure white long curles and i would see colorful energies that hovered around every person. I would not go with peoples and theow tantums if forced. As i got older i started learning to tell personality traits in people based on their voice and body language. I could tell based on what i already knew from other personality traits that i met in past that i could put a general understanding of what they might have gone through
And then just had general convo until i proved it right. Now in my older years, i still get a feeling about people on an energy level but i dont see auras. When i meet people i get their birthdays, once i know their personality characteristics through their sun, moon, venus, mercury, mars, etc. i can pretty much tell a good basis on everything about them. Its wierd to me that people dont think like this. Like just the simple thing like if i person looks down or away it means a few things. They have something to hide, or they are scared or nervous. Their personality traits would be unable to love unconditionally or possible abuse in the past they have not dealt with. . Anyways, ive been wanted to explain for a long time just the liitle simple aspect in the complexity of my mind. I thank god ALL the time for this gift. Cuz im 100 percent in belief that it is a gift from god. Hes given me the ability to let the people i encounter know that we all are connected and that its ok to let people in and its the purpose of life to work on how to do that. Every person i have met in life has had a feeling of separation. Many dont know how to connect. They have never been taught or just the fact that thats societies goal in general. I try let people know its cool if you wanna connect with me cuz i know im not god and i dont do that judgement shit. Its not my place. I think im a pretty fuuny, corny, smart, nice kinda guy. I just like to be nice to others cuz its cool when people are nice back. Anyways. That is all for now. You kinda know how i think (trust me my mind is far more complex tgan that though)

Bigotry in the states

Its been a while since ive posted a blog but found it compelling to discuss a video i saw on youtube. The video Link is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2n7vSPwhSU&sns=em

The pastor gave a solution of getting rid of gay and lesbians similar to methods that of hitlers concentration camps for jews in the past. Here is an email i sent in response to their statement. I am a gay man btw that is baptized methodist and raised pagan/agnostic. And have analyzed similarities as well as differences in religions and mentally highlighted on the aspects of LOVE that comes from ALL religions

I just watched a youtube video that was uploaded with a sermon your pastor charles worley expressed about what to do with homosexuals and was extremely disturbed about his solution. In his statement he suggests rounding up gays and lesbians surrounded with an electric fence to let them die off. Im wondering how you can claim that to be godly in any way shape or form. Your preaching of a method similar to adolf hitlers solution of jews through concentration camps. That shows a blasphemous tongue. In john 4:8 it states "god is love." and in corinthians states the definition of love. You pastor might be skipping the true message from god and replacing it with personal judgements. But it specifically states THOU SHALL NOT KILL. Now i am not fueled with hateful resentments toward you or your church. My only intention is to inform you the aspects of the bible you are neglecting through blind hate. I understand that the generation your pastor is from is a generation of destruction and segregation, lack of knowledge and hate. But if you have any sense of technology you would know that your generation is dying off and so is the teaching of your hateful parents. This is a time of love, unity, progression, and transformation and one day soon you will be judged yourself what is in your heart and if it is filled will hate, you will know gods wrath. May god have mercy on that pastors soul.

If You would like to voice your thoughts and opinions to the church here is the info

Address
Providence Road Baptist Church
3283 Providence Mill Rd
Maiden, NC 28650
Telephone#: 828-428-2518
Fax#: 828-428-3358

Mailing Address
P.O. Box 507
Maiden, NC 28650
Contact List
Pastor Charles L. Worley
email: pastor@prbcnc.com
Missions Director
email: missions@prbcnc.com
Missionary Pastor
email: pastorvictor@prbcnc.com
Youth Director
email: youth@prbcnc.com
Secretary
email: secretary@prbcnc.com

Valentines Day

Today is a special day. To me it has always been a day to enlighten me on the independant nature i have. A day of self awareness that i do not need one special person to share my life with. Today some people are lonely. Wishing they had someone to show them romance and love. Some people have a dysfunctional love and will be beaten when all they want is for that love. Some will have the best days of their lives and possibly be proposed to. Whether you are sad and lonely, beaten and alone even though you are with someone, or its the happiest day in your life, just know that GOD loves you and thats all that really matters in this day and age. A man/woman can give you sexual/emotional satisfaction but when your spiritually satisfied it completes you in ALL aspects. Let this day bring you all the love and joy in the world and even if you are alone today just know that God loves you AND SO DO I! Chin up!

Who am i to judge?

When i look at a homeless person many things go in my mind. How did they get there? By choice? Are they on drugs? Mentally disabled? I wonder how long? Who have they met? How long have they been like this? Out of all the answers i get from that type of people the only thing i will judge is am i safe? Most of the time YES is the answer. You can tell by the stories they tell, the way they present themselves, the look in their eyes. We all have our story that just wants to be heard. To tell people of our pain and reach out to those who might be similar in experience to give advice so they might not have to go through the same pain. So who am i to assume that just by looking at someone, they choose it? They are addicts? Who am i to think why should i help them? I would just enable them to keep doing drugs or creating an unsafe world for others. I know personally thats not the case. I have known a girl for 10 years or more that has been homeless for most of it. Yes she is mentally disabled but would she hurt ANYONE? NO! Shes funny, outgoing, and a pleasure to be around but her dream is to be homeless around the united states. Shes a gypsy like personality. People always say for homeless people to "get a job". Well its society that enforces us to enslave ourselves like that due to corporate greed. Its innate for us to think of it like that. There are some people out there that think, if i didnt have my job i would have nothing. Wouldnt it be the balance for another person to say i never want to work? People are stuck on those two factors and make judgements based on that which doesnt allow for them to think "well since a person likes to obsessively work, it would be okay not to have to for others". But then its not fair right? WRONG. Through the programming we have endured we have to realize that we are all extremists in one way or another. We so want a "moderate balance" to life we are unwilling to realize we are on another level now. "extreme balance". For what one homeless person CANT or is unable to do, there are extreme people that take pleasure in doing two mens jobs. And if the balance falls short, WE HAVE MACHINES! There is plenty of junk in this world, plenty of food, and plenty of water for any one of us to never have to work if we dont want to, but we are taught to judge from a very early age. Thats fine. Its how humans survive, but we dont have to stigmatize people based on those judgements because "what goes up, must come down". Life has given us tools to look past our judgements if we choose to see it.

It sucks that i think im going to hell

I don't believe EVERYTHING the bible has in it because it was interpreted by man and man is imperfect, but there are things in it that "make sense" to be. The definition of LOVE, for one has been the truest definition out there. I know, i always question peoples definition because its jaded from life. Another is GOD IS LOVE! I know that because i have seen god on various occasions through near death/death experiences and is was, well, all i can say was it was a pure, refreshing, happy feeling each time. BUT i know i will go to hell. I have always chosen to be gay. Ive never envisioned my life with man or woman. Ever since i first heard about GOD, that was the life i envisioned. Through molestation, beatings, lack of love, verbal abuse, etc that i endured i turned away because i didn't think if god loved me like that it would be my life path. I turned to witchcraft for a long time in my teens and was an angry child that did many drugs. That was innate for me. Soon after i found out my mom was a witch as well. In fact most my family are. They just didnt have the internal anger i did. Soon after i was kicked out of my moms for doing drugs, i went and lived with my aunt who was a drunkard. She would bring home parties and i would sleep with men. Ironically i have always been attracted to men slightly older than me with muscular build. That was the same qualities the person in my childhood that molested me had. After a while it became habit, them it became perversion. I told myself if i had a fantasy i would fulfill it. And i did. (no worries people nothing like kids or rape or weird stuff like that). I have been a drunkard, an adulterer, a thief, a liar, a con artist, a homo, a witch, , a slanderer, a blasphemer. I have had moments of lust, vanity, anger, revenge, sloth, gluttony, and pride. I have had EVERYTHING, the bible said is wrong. Thank god never murder though. So even when i asked god for forgiveness through baptism, i know he wanted too, but i am not! I just hope that god is indeed love, and love is patient and kind. Because i really do try to be a loving person. I try to encourage peoples dreams. I try to encourage myself to help end suffering as much as i can. If i am warm, and someone else is freezing. I will take their place and freeze so they may have warmth. If someone needs an ear and a hug because they are sad, i will do both and try my best to make them at least end up with a smile. Thats what makes me happy. I dont know if its my way of asking god for forgiveness in hopes that he will but it feels right to me so i go with it. I vowed this year to become celibate and well last time it went a year and a half so thats my thing to god for this year. To give up sexual compulsions. I know when i did it before i gained a ton of respect for myself. Now I'm doing it for god. I don't want love from a guy or a girl or anything. Id just be okay with gods love. They say it is better to loved before than to never have loved at all and i think people take that out of context because i have loved so many people in this life, but i have never had romantic love. Thats not why i was born. My love goes to humanity as a whole. It cannot be consumed by just one person.