Thursday, July 28, 2011


So last night I went to this little Pentecostal church that is right down the street from me. I wasn't going to because I had gone to the doctors and hadn't eaten all day and was kind of hungry but it was literally 730p when I walked past the church on my route home and I was like Okay it wont hurt to just go. I get in there and its just maybe 7 people besides myself (pastor/wife included) and they start praising. Now it just think its funny when people say hallelujah over and over like a broken record. So I was holding in some giggles and just trying to focus on my own prayer to god while they did that for what seemed to be a good 15 minutes. We finally got down to it and he started talking different scriptures about jews and stuff. Didn't really pay attention to it too much, I was having my own conversations with god. Then they started talking about there not being a holy trinity. That jesus was in fact god and that grabbed my attention. So I listened again. The way they were talking about jesus though, it scared me. They made it sound like jesus was like a demon to be exorcized. They also started talking about speaking in tongue (that right there just reminds me of harry potter) so I am like OMG did I just join team slytherine BUT NOOOOOOO I'm team griffindor. I always knew instinctively that the devil ruled the tongue, hense blasphemers, but when I heard that I was like this is too wierd and culty for me. I love my god, i worship my god, but if I get an eery presence around me feeling like this isnt right. I just cannot be there any longer. I respect your beliefs Pentacostal religion, but I do not agree. I found out last night I was NOT that. I then started to wonder.... what if I got baptized in all the religions you can get baptized in. I mean, the root is love so it wouldn't be a bad thing I guess. I am trying to dedicate my life to you GOD, and only you. I guess my first mission in life is to understand the differences in religion and how its ok because as twisted as it may seem, they only intend to have good intentions. They want love, and to know how to love. They are human.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Take for Granted

Why is it people take for granted that when they rest, they will wake up? Is it trust? Where does that trust come from? Why don't you just thank that thing that gives you the ability to trust to wake up to see another day right now. Just say HEY, THANK YOU! I TRUST IN YOU! Why do so many people walk past beautiful flowers that are full of vibrant colors just screaming for your attention saying LOVE ME, LOVE ME! Next time you see a flower just go up to it and say I DO LOVE YOU! We all want to be loved but yet we find it so hard because we want to put ourselves in a world of bubbles. Our bubble in our car, our bubble in our work, our bubble in our family, our bubble in our friends. We fear so much coming out of that bubble that we are blinded. We stop losing appreciation for those little things in life. We stop putting trust in life. I encourage everyone to just start by the little things. Pay attention to your surroundings more. Right next to you could be standing a person that is two inches away from suicide with a look of sorrow in their soul and by just you saying hi and noticing them might give them a feeling of connection. A reason to live. Your kindness and willingness to connect might be the one thing that changes a persons life to where they go out and change another and another and another. We live in a world of hopelessness and fear and war and poverty and sorrow. But we also live in a world of hope and faith and love and community and peace. We get lost in our lives, lost in our routines, lost in our bubble and fail to realize that same hopelessness can be changed into hope with just a loving soul that may be next to you right now. I hope we all find our "heaven" and no one has to have to endure hell on earth at its finest. But YOU have to be an active participant in making it "heaven on earth" as well. We all do! It starts with a simple HELLO!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

emo KINDA poetry

I see the light,
radiating like the sun.
I know it exists and is the kindle of my existence.
My hope, my dreams, my love, my reason.
In order to know the light,
I must know the dark.
Such a lonesome path,
hopelessness, sorrow, inadequacy, stress, emotionless, drained.
My karma is my balance
When can they merge?
Is there ever balance?
Energy is not fluent, yet extreme.
I am an angel.
I am a devil.
When will this purgatory happen so I can just wait?
No angel, not devil, no ups, no downs.
Just a feeling of content awaiting an answer
I show my love to others.
Hugs, love, laughter, light, life.
I just want the same for me as well.
I feel so solitary in this world.
My other angels have not found me.


I just wonder when my balance will come. I was raised as a dirt poor person, never having a real childhood because my family could not afford it, never having really any fun memories at all. I am now okay with that. Its just so irritating and semi depressing because I have always been poor. Not like poor but like one step up from homeless poor. I have never won at casino's, never any prize contests. My soul almost feels like my path is deprivation and appreciation in the most extremes of circumstances. Sometimes I just don't have money to eat, so I don't eat for a few days. This type of life is really hard on a person who is nothing but a dreamer. I see so many things I COULD be doing and appreciating, but I cant and then reality kicks in and It makes me sad. I don't want money in life. NEVER DID, NEVER WILL. I just want to be able to see those things that I want to do and just be able to do them. NO LIMITATIONS, NO DEPRESSIVE REALITIES. I wish money would just go away completely. It limits me on my potential growth as a person. I guess I am just sad and really overwhelmed. I truly do understand the homeless mentality and the loss/sorrow/struggle/pain/worry/hopelessness that goes along with the concept of MONEY. MONEY FUCKING MONEY FUCKING MONEY! I hate the initial bastard that had to put "WORTH" into peoples head. I'd like to go back to just the mentality of trade.

Friday, July 15, 2011


Why is love in so important to people? People put way too much focus on it as a basis of NEED. Like the studies that have been conducted on babies where one was just given the basics in life and left alone, and another was nurtured. The baby in solitude had a lowered immune system/IQ, where the one that was nurtured had a higher level of those. BUT was it love? I think its more the connection. A person in solitude cannot establish the connection between others which our body innately knows we need. I feel love EVERYWHERE. I don't personally need it from one specific person. I get it from the trees, I get it from the air, the clouds, the ocean, from EVERYONE I meet in life. I have never questioned that. I talk to the trees and get a sense of them waving their leaves hi back to me. I feel the air flowing through my body saying I love you, therefore I give you life. I look at the clouds and notice the beauty of the different formations and just thank them for gathering enough moisture and producing rain that also gives me life. I am loved everywhere I go. YOU are loved everywhere you go. I think people just create their own idealistic expectation that they need it in human form. I do agree that people do need to be touched and hugged. It creates that sensation of safety and reassurance, but I think if people were so LESS dependant on giving it that much focus and just KNOW that it exists, the energy could be put elsewhere to be utilized in a positive way. Eiher way. I have questioned the concept "what is love" best way i can describe just happens to be in the bible. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4" if you memorize that and tell yourself that everyday, it becomes a habit to always think like that. It alters the way you make decisions and life truly becomes simpler.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Psychic Mind

I went to the beach today and felt like I embodied the natural energy the water sends to us. I oddly some how feel really psyhically in tune with nature and the universe. Its something you cannot explain to see nothing but energy. No images of reality, no feelings. It almost makes you feel like your being lifted above the ground. I sensed that that energy the ocean gave to me as I talked to the waters. I felt like it gave me questions and answers. One that specifically came to mind was a receptor that is linked brain activity wise in the mind. Why don't we try a way of pinpointing that receptor and find herbs that activate that specific realm of the brain. A muscle will grow when used frequently. Why cant we find a way to ALWAYS have that psychic portion of our brain activated at all times. The trees will tell their stories, the waters will warn of danger. I think if you don't constantly talk to nature and ask it things, nature will concider you a virus. If you ask for their understanding, they will find a way to put the energy into your brain to let you understand. I love the ability to talk to nature. You can call me crazy, but nature puts information in my head because it knows I will communicate them. Give me a disorder psychology fans, but its something you have too, you just never tried because you don't want to be labeled. Also, lately I have been having these feelings of energy again that hoover around individuals. I had that as a kid when I was young. I could tell a good or a bad person by a color they had around their physical body. Not a thick color. Almost like a light layer of skin. I lost that because I embraced trauma and felt I needed to create a wall of protection from the world around me. I feel like I am now letting myself break down that wall and ready to shine it brightly. People have been taking notice too in subtle ways.I feel like I am going to see angels and demons soon in peoples souls. Just an instinct, maybe a disorder but I BET I WILL KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU INSTINCTIVELY.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


I have always lived my life in fear as a child. Fear of molestation, fear of physical abuse, fear of emotional/psychological abuse, fear of survival and stability. I embodied it into my soul which affected my mind and essentially had negativity in my life. It took me to to where I developed Guillian Barre Syndrom where all my sense of control, humility, pride, arrogance, vanity, selfishness did I realize that it was a root of fear that caused the negativity into my body causing disease and strife. It made life easy to BLAME GOD because why would god do that to a child of innocense? why couldnt he help me when I needed him the most. It was my life lesson being taught in a very elongated process that I could not as a human understand. That not only took my fear away when I was lying in a deathbed on ICU having doctor and doctor saying that IF perchance my lungs and heart don't fail, there would be a probability that I may never be "normal" again. Walking, running, lingering nerve damage causing pain, etc. I am stubborn though. Through getting Guillian Barre, I felt EVERY nerve ending, EVERY blood flow, Every connection of my body. I basically did the same thing the girl in kill bill did when she atrophied AND IT WORKED. It was a slow process but all I knew is If I could move just ONE FINGER, my brain would recognize that. From that point on I decided If I had a fear (within logical reason) I would just replace it with trust in something bigger than myself. If I had a small fear, I CHALLENGED that fear because I trusted I would get through it. Hell, as of now I can walk, I can run, I can do EVERYTHING I could normally do. It was because my mind controled my body and my body responded to my mind and my soul was so strong in that faith they they together made the impossible POSSIBLE. AND I WAS OKAY! I have seen fear in others daily lives whether big nor bad and I will always tell them, fear just lets negative energy come through your pathways in order to manifest like a virus and ruin ALL hope your soul has will for. A man once told me (crazy ass spirtitual trucker guy) that fear is the only way the devil can get you. He cant touch your body and sure the hell has no say in your will, but he has the mind! Thats his loophole, but FAITH always wins and it just pisses him off but he/she/it knows you cant beat will power. Fear not the small things, it makes shit worse when the big shit hits the fan (an it will. Life is a test and thats an aspect of it) but if you collect so much hope, it becomes subconcious that you will make it through whatever it may be, a lesson will be learned, and you will evolve.

Monday, July 11, 2011

First Entry

Well I am Bipolar so I have to say that these pages might not be a stable thing, But I will give it my best. I am basically going to try to pick a topic everyday and just rant and rave about it. I might be right, I might be wrong, But it will be my thoughts/beliefs so I DONT CARE. My topic that I thought of today was evolution and where we are going in the next decades to come. I am totally big on astrology and just ponder stuff like will this be the era of evolution. Will we finally because so genetically altered that we therefore HAVE to become alien like? Its weird to me to see how people are so quick to being and alien is scary. So is humanity. Those abduction stories. Just an aliens version of a scientist. Its probably how rats feel about humans. I know I would. Anyways. I think because we are entering a world of unity and connection as opposed to separation and war, that we might just find a way to utilize our full brains and evolve. I do understand there are people that want to prevent that as well. I don't know why, it just benifits everyone. Either way. I have a belief that our souls chose this exact era to be born in and I think it is mainly to see how FUN technology is. I would have loved to have been in the 70's coking it up, doing gangbangs and burning bra's. I think that is such a fucking cool era, but would have give up this world of amazement to do so. NO. I wonder if this is nothing but the ying to the yang. Let me explain. As we have grown since the age of pisces, which was all about god and the separation of humanity that fate said you know what, now that humanity has been separated and war/hatred has been established let us give them the lifes lesson of LOVE, unity, enlightenment. Let us utilize this in smart methods to where emotional IQ has been FORCED through this era to become so high, that NOW we will give them mental IQ. One branch of the stage of evolution that is HIGHLY important. I personally don't know if I will every fully know, but why not ponder. My theory is ANYTHING your mind can think of, someone has already thought that PLUS ONE. and then you wonder, what would that be? thats where I thank you technology because you can just find that out. Back in the day, you just would have to accept that you will NEVER know. Now you can.