Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I just dont understand

Ive always been the type of guy that lights up a room with energy and laughter. People like me cuz im nice and fun and outgoing and on top of that i make them think. Challenge their mind for their self growth and purpose. The past 6 months though it has become slowly different. I have become reclusive. Not only because of financial reasons but also because i have wanted to. My mind is bringing up feelings of worthlessness and sorrow. Little things like well you dont deserve to go out, or you will never find the love of your life because you are a piece of shit and don't deserve to be loved like that. Your ugly and scrawny, balding, and dying. Why would anyone want to invest time with you unless its just to fuck you. It almost seems like my mind is starting to damn my soul. Of course i dont want to think this way, i dont want to be that person but how do i tell myself that its not true and believe it? Its really sad and irritating because i am a strong person. I dont cry, i pick myself up and figure out solutions to scenarios and i grow from them. I have cried so much these past few months and im now in a rut i feel like is becoming a cycle of insanity and im just so worm out from it all. I thought my soul was sick and tired when i lived in arizona but its like moving to california and dealing with deprivation over and over time after time has just enhanced everything I've always felt my whole life from Bieng told these things repetitively. I feel weak and i don't like it because since i was 21 all i did time and time again was fought death because i wanted to live, and more and more its becoming the opposite was around. God give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference! Help me lord! Please save my soul from the devils in my mind because i know i should feel love, if not from any other person in this world, i should feel it from you but i dont. I feel a void in my soul god that only you can fill! Will you help me god? Will you open my blinded eyes and teach this fool your wisdom!? I need you so much right now! This very moment, and from this day forward!

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