Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I feel as if i need to get this out of my system so i am. I feel so overwhelmed lately. I had to move once again because my lease was up and now i live in hillcrest. Im with one of my best friends from arizona and that is a total blessing to have him here but everything else is deprivation. No money, no food, cant find work. Even this thanksgiving i will be 100 percent alone cuz curtis has to work and i likely wont eat either. People say look at the bright side, there are people that have it worse. I do look at that but simple fact is I live my life not theirs and mine is pretty shitty too. I look for work, yet i get nothing, i search for food, yet no one gives. I don't sleep well because i stress every day and i just become sicker and sicker with health problems. Sometimes i think i wish i could just die already so i wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore but i know i wont. My will is too strong, even if my mind and body say different. Plus if i was to die, who would create the business i am trying to start. Probably no one. My life mission is to leave a legacy for mankind. I sometimes wish i could just cry for days yet my body wont allow it. My mind justifies not doing so. How is it i pray to god for guidance, for love, for angels, and yet every day is still a struggle. I live by love. I treat people with respect, i embrace kindness and openly express ways for others to love. You would think i would at least get the simple things like food. I don't know. This seems pointless to even be expressing because when it comes down to it, i am the leader of my destiny. Even if people had sympathy/empathy they offer words. Words don't help, actions help. I know poor people so they cant offer much action, which i would likely turn down even if they offered anything. I WILL NOT take anything from poor people cuz i think they deserve whatever little things they have way more than i. I have been a horrible person in this life. I honestly don't feel as if i deserve to have happiness or the one true love in this life i have hopes for. I don't think god thinks i deserve it either. Maybe its true and the devils has this world and all of us in it. I just hope all these sorrows are taken away when i die. Oh well. I will continue to suffer, continue to love EVERYONE, continue to pray, continue to do my best to create a better world for others, and if when i die thats enough then well, its not enough. I wish i had happy thoughts right now though cuz i cant think of many at all. I am numb!