Since coming back to san diego i have felt so lost that i dont know what i am to do. I know a lot has to do with the guilt of getting drunk and losing my nanas rosary. Its consuming me. Altho i think maybe that cross was only meant to symbolize the end of an addiction. Each time i think of drinking i see the cross and my heart breaks all over again. It should be a blessing but that comes with a bitter sorrow. I think of why i came here in the first place. To finish my website and start this business. Granted i know that it would benifit many people but its also selfish because i know i would gain material posessions. Im not supposed to have material items though. I have always been a materialless person in a material world. Its kinda like how i know my life is not meant to love another person intimately as well. I am supposed to know the sorrow without love and a life without things. Im thinking maybe i should just go back to tucson and live in a homeless shelter. I could still work on my website which still have tons of work and people will still use it (i hope) but i could also be with my family. I miss the love of my gramma. The earthliness of my auntie. The conradary of my sister and the friendships of my cousins. I want my niece and nephews to have an uncle. As much of a lack of inspiration i am to people. I still feel i have an impact on their existance. I wish god would give me answers but my god has never worked that way. I was given free will and he just wants to kick back and see what i become (or dont become). I really hope next month the world ends. I am really tired. More so my soul than my body, even tho thats pretty worn too. I dont think the end of the world will happen tho. If the bible contains the truth then everyone is putting faith in nostradamus as well as the myans which duh would be false prophets. God says he will come and steal you like a theif in the night and no man shall predict his coming. I have a feeling thats true. I just want to find HOME and go there. My soul has been lost way too long.
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