Thursday, January 5, 2012

It sucks that i think im going to hell

I don't believe EVERYTHING the bible has in it because it was interpreted by man and man is imperfect, but there are things in it that "make sense" to be. The definition of LOVE, for one has been the truest definition out there. I know, i always question peoples definition because its jaded from life. Another is GOD IS LOVE! I know that because i have seen god on various occasions through near death/death experiences and is was, well, all i can say was it was a pure, refreshing, happy feeling each time. BUT i know i will go to hell. I have always chosen to be gay. Ive never envisioned my life with man or woman. Ever since i first heard about GOD, that was the life i envisioned. Through molestation, beatings, lack of love, verbal abuse, etc that i endured i turned away because i didn't think if god loved me like that it would be my life path. I turned to witchcraft for a long time in my teens and was an angry child that did many drugs. That was innate for me. Soon after i found out my mom was a witch as well. In fact most my family are. They just didnt have the internal anger i did. Soon after i was kicked out of my moms for doing drugs, i went and lived with my aunt who was a drunkard. She would bring home parties and i would sleep with men. Ironically i have always been attracted to men slightly older than me with muscular build. That was the same qualities the person in my childhood that molested me had. After a while it became habit, them it became perversion. I told myself if i had a fantasy i would fulfill it. And i did. (no worries people nothing like kids or rape or weird stuff like that). I have been a drunkard, an adulterer, a thief, a liar, a con artist, a homo, a witch, , a slanderer, a blasphemer. I have had moments of lust, vanity, anger, revenge, sloth, gluttony, and pride. I have had EVERYTHING, the bible said is wrong. Thank god never murder though. So even when i asked god for forgiveness through baptism, i know he wanted too, but i am not! I just hope that god is indeed love, and love is patient and kind. Because i really do try to be a loving person. I try to encourage peoples dreams. I try to encourage myself to help end suffering as much as i can. If i am warm, and someone else is freezing. I will take their place and freeze so they may have warmth. If someone needs an ear and a hug because they are sad, i will do both and try my best to make them at least end up with a smile. Thats what makes me happy. I dont know if its my way of asking god for forgiveness in hopes that he will but it feels right to me so i go with it. I vowed this year to become celibate and well last time it went a year and a half so thats my thing to god for this year. To give up sexual compulsions. I know when i did it before i gained a ton of respect for myself. Now I'm doing it for god. I don't want love from a guy or a girl or anything. Id just be okay with gods love. They say it is better to loved before than to never have loved at all and i think people take that out of context because i have loved so many people in this life, but i have never had romantic love. Thats not why i was born. My love goes to humanity as a whole. It cannot be consumed by just one person.

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