Feelings

I know I don't talk a lot about my feelings or experiences in life because a lot of people frankly don't want to hear it, or so I have come to believe. I figured I would express it now. At least some of it. When I was 19 and my friend had told me to go hitchhiking, I did so. I up and left everything and everyone I knew on a journey that I was not sure I would come back from. I left without any fear because it was an adventure to me. It was new and fresh. I didn't think of things like how am I going to eat, where will I sleep, what if I die. It was my first real feeling of GOD being present in my life and I didn't even know it until the end of my journey hitchhiking. I remember as I walked from El Paso, TX to Anthony, NM in order to get my stuff that was stolen from me that I had acquired through hitchhiking, I felt so exhausted and hungry and hot and thirsty and yet I kept walking and walking for what seemed like an eternity. I never felt alone though. I always kind of knew that GOD was walking with me and felt like we just were doing it together. I felt that mainly because of the couple that brought me back to El Paso in the first place talking all the way from KC Missouri to El Paso about the bible and GOD and the Devil so I'm sure it was fresh in my mind. Regardless, I felt it and I trusted it. I loved the concept of. Shortly afterwards, I became completely paralyzed and rather quickly. I went into ICU and the doctors weren't hopeful that I would survive and said that even if I did that there might be a possibility that I never fully come out of the paralysis. I remember the day or two before I snapped out of it very clearly. I had closed my eyes to go to sleep and I saw my dead friend (the one who told me I should hitchhike in the first place) and he was standing in front of me, just hovering and smiling and told me that it was ok if I wanted to go. That it's nothing to fear. There will be no more pain or sorrow and then a white hand reached out in front of him. I remember wanting SOOO bad to go. To leave all the pain behind but as I went and reached out my hand I smelt the sense of roses and then saw pictures of mountains that I have never seen and flashes of acres of different colored flowers and then people I had never met and I knew my choice right then. It was to live with the pain of life because I knew that with all that pain I would have to go through, I would be on that adventure once again to see those mountains, to meet those people, and smell those flowers. Through my life I have outlived some people that should have outlived me. I have been told by many of doctors that they don't understand why I am still alive. Even down to a month or two ago my doctor saying in all the years he has been a doctor he has never seen a person with such a high viral load and not be sick or even dead. The only thing I can come up with that makes sense is that I CHOOSE TO LIVE. EVERYDAY! I don't want to die, so I don't. I'm not scared to die at all. I know that once I do die, all my pain will just disappear. God told me so a long time ago and I trusted that and I still do, but I would rather HURT EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE dealing with emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental pain than to give up on this adventure. I CANT GIVE UP! This lifetime is so blessed in so many ways for me to be like I am done. I want to live until GOD says "I'm sorry jason, you just cannot live another day. I wish you could but it's your time as well as everyone elses". Until that day comes, no matter how sick I am, no matter how much I am in pain, no matter how tired and weak I become. I will live. I will never complain about it either because not only am I tough, I am blessed! I don't know the reasoning for me telling all this but it just came to me in my head and I figured I would share it with the world. I love this fucking world! As crazy and insane as it is, as sad as it sometimes makes me. I love it! I am glad to be a part of it, and I wouldn't trade my experiences in it for anything else. Thank you GOD for giving me a choice to live in it. Amen!