Saturday, November 26, 2011

The voices within my head

Get up off you ass! Your worthless. What a piece of shit. You'll never amount to anything. You dont deserve love. Your nothing. Your stupid. Your weak. Your an idiot. Your a loser. You should die! No one really gives a shit about a piece of trash like you. Your disposable. Your going to hell no matter how hard you try. Keep fighting you will only lose. This game of life you have already lost. Angels don't listen, the devil just laughs. My soul is forsaken. Eternal misery is a given. I am cursed. I am sin

Friday, November 25, 2011

Endless tunnel

An endless tunnel,
Where i thought was light.
I didnt give up,
All i did was fight.
Countless scenarios where i almost died,
Many sleepless nights in which i cried.
I prayed and prayed for life to begin.
But it will never happen,
I am born of sin.
My light was just hope,
And through time it just faded.
My hope was just falsifed,
And left me just jaded.
Jaded of this world, the nastiness within.
The world is my hell and i am the sin.
My eyes are now shut,
And this is my prayer.
God help me with life,
Help me with despair.
I want your light,
Your loving glow,
At the end of my tunnel,
I hope you show!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Super sad

I feel as if i need to get this out of my system so i am. I feel so overwhelmed lately. I had to move once again because my lease was up and now i live in hillcrest. Im with one of my best friends from arizona and that is a total blessing to have him here but everything else is deprivation. No money, no food, cant find work. Even this thanksgiving i will be 100 percent alone cuz curtis has to work and i likely wont eat either. People say look at the bright side, there are people that have it worse. I do look at that but simple fact is I live my life not theirs and mine is pretty shitty too. I look for work, yet i get nothing, i search for food, yet no one gives. I don't sleep well because i stress every day and i just become sicker and sicker with health problems. Sometimes i think i wish i could just die already so i wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore but i know i wont. My will is too strong, even if my mind and body say different. Plus if i was to die, who would create the business i am trying to start. Probably no one. My life mission is to leave a legacy for mankind. I sometimes wish i could just cry for days yet my body wont allow it. My mind justifies not doing so. How is it i pray to god for guidance, for love, for angels, and yet every day is still a struggle. I live by love. I treat people with respect, i embrace kindness and openly express ways for others to love. You would think i would at least get the simple things like food. I don't know. This seems pointless to even be expressing because when it comes down to it, i am the leader of my destiny. Even if people had sympathy/empathy they offer words. Words don't help, actions help. I know poor people so they cant offer much action, which i would likely turn down even if they offered anything. I WILL NOT take anything from poor people cuz i think they deserve whatever little things they have way more than i. I have been a horrible person in this life. I honestly don't feel as if i deserve to have happiness or the one true love in this life i have hopes for. I don't think god thinks i deserve it either. Maybe its true and the devils has this world and all of us in it. I just hope all these sorrows are taken away when i die. Oh well. I will continue to suffer, continue to love EVERYONE, continue to pray, continue to do my best to create a better world for others, and if when i die thats enough then well, its not enough. I wish i had happy thoughts right now though cuz i cant think of many at all. I am numb!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Day 1 "the hungry traveler"

As i went forth into day 1, i realized how much of a competition it was even to find a spot to "panhandle". Every time i would find a spot 15 minutes later a hoard of homeless people would gather around and "hustle". I came to a spot eventually and started to panhandle and was suprised at the lack of concern in drivers faces. Most would look down or away or start messing with their cell phones. Granted i only did it for three hours and in that time i made 4 dollars, a sack lunch, a taco bell buritto, two granola bars, and a six pack of soda. There was some welcoming friendly faces in the mix as well. Mainly elderly and young children and girls that looked like they could be from college. I felt like most all the people felt an internal "pressure" to help, much like a girl outside a grocery store selling girlscout cookies. I went inside businesses and asked how they felt about it and majority of them had a negative reaction to the concept. One guy who had a windshield repair stand said that he pays 1400 a month for a tiny little spot next to the freeway and when homeless people come to panhandle his business suffers from it, but the days they are not there, he ends up profiting. My instant internal thought was to collaborate with the homeless person and actually tell them the business is suffering and have the homeless person tell people with cracked windshields that are giving to him/her that they can get it fixed right over there. That way business is actually promoted while homeless still get money. Thats just my crazy thought process though. Seems tabu to mingle with the different social classes. I have heard all sorts of stereotypes from business owners/workers yet none of them admit to actually talking to them. Stereotypes do exist though for a reason. I talked with one homeless person that admitted to cooking meth. He showed lack of remorse for doing it knowing what meth does to people and said its just what he knows to do that profits greatly. He did it with cousins and uncles from the age of 13. It makes me sad to know that for 30 years this guy didnt have ONE positive role model in his life to teach him of other ways. It became an innate nature of selfishness due to lack of actual LOVE that drove the inevitable apathy he developed for his fellow man. Most all the homeless people were smart in each of their own ways. the "chemist/mechanic" that i just described or the "musician" that i encountered as well. I found out very quickly that homeless people just want to be heard, given a chance to exchange knowledge, them progress from there. In society there is a broken link to that chain due to stereotypes. Most common people with jobs/businesses/families approach the concept of homeless people as having to "walk on eggshells". For the most part, thats not even remotely the case at all. You approach them with love, kindness, and an open ear and it rekindles a light in their eye. So this is my conclusion for day 1. Stop judging, start mixing in with them, approach everyone with LOVE. Love meaning that it is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Three day study

Today i will embark on a three day study to analyze the different social stigmas and prove the equality or inequality of them. Day 1 will consist of "the traveler" i will stand by the freeway with a sign saying "hungry traveler", day 2 will be "disabled and homeless" and day 3 will be the "hungry convict". It will compare the mentalities of: choice not to work, not able to work, and wont be given a chance to work. My hypothesis is i will be given the most amount with "the traveler" and the least amount with "the convict" based on peoples everyday perception of those social stigmas. A portion of the proceeds will go to various charities.