Feelings

I know I don't talk a lot about my feelings or experiences in life because a lot of people frankly don't want to hear it, or so I have come to believe. I figured I would express it now. At least some of it. When I was 19 and my friend had told me to go hitchhiking, I did so. I up and left everything and everyone I knew on a journey that I was not sure I would come back from. I left without any fear because it was an adventure to me. It was new and fresh. I didn't think of things like how am I going to eat, where will I sleep, what if I die. It was my first real feeling of GOD being present in my life and I didn't even know it until the end of my journey hitchhiking. I remember as I walked from El Paso, TX to Anthony, NM in order to get my stuff that was stolen from me that I had acquired through hitchhiking, I felt so exhausted and hungry and hot and thirsty and yet I kept walking and walking for what seemed like an eternity. I never felt alone though. I always kind of knew that GOD was walking with me and felt like we just were doing it together. I felt that mainly because of the couple that brought me back to El Paso in the first place talking all the way from KC Missouri to El Paso about the bible and GOD and the Devil so I'm sure it was fresh in my mind. Regardless, I felt it and I trusted it. I loved the concept of. Shortly afterwards, I became completely paralyzed and rather quickly. I went into ICU and the doctors weren't hopeful that I would survive and said that even if I did that there might be a possibility that I never fully come out of the paralysis. I remember the day or two before I snapped out of it very clearly. I had closed my eyes to go to sleep and I saw my dead friend (the one who told me I should hitchhike in the first place) and he was standing in front of me, just hovering and smiling and told me that it was ok if I wanted to go. That it's nothing to fear. There will be no more pain or sorrow and then a white hand reached out in front of him. I remember wanting SOOO bad to go. To leave all the pain behind but as I went and reached out my hand I smelt the sense of roses and then saw pictures of mountains that I have never seen and flashes of acres of different colored flowers and then people I had never met and I knew my choice right then. It was to live with the pain of life because I knew that with all that pain I would have to go through, I would be on that adventure once again to see those mountains, to meet those people, and smell those flowers. Through my life I have outlived some people that should have outlived me. I have been told by many of doctors that they don't understand why I am still alive. Even down to a month or two ago my doctor saying in all the years he has been a doctor he has never seen a person with such a high viral load and not be sick or even dead. The only thing I can come up with that makes sense is that I CHOOSE TO LIVE. EVERYDAY! I don't want to die, so I don't. I'm not scared to die at all. I know that once I do die, all my pain will just disappear. God told me so a long time ago and I trusted that and I still do, but I would rather HURT EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE dealing with emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental pain than to give up on this adventure. I CANT GIVE UP! This lifetime is so blessed in so many ways for me to be like I am done. I want to live until GOD says "I'm sorry jason, you just cannot live another day. I wish you could but it's your time as well as everyone elses". Until that day comes, no matter how sick I am, no matter how much I am in pain, no matter how tired and weak I become. I will live. I will never complain about it either because not only am I tough, I am blessed! I don't know the reasoning for me telling all this but it just came to me in my head and I figured I would share it with the world. I love this fucking world! As crazy and insane as it is, as sad as it sometimes makes me. I love it! I am glad to be a part of it, and I wouldn't trade my experiences in it for anything else. Thank you GOD for giving me a choice to live in it. Amen!

Church

So last night I went to this little Pentecostal church that is right down the street from me. I wasn't going to because I had gone to the doctors and hadn't eaten all day and was kind of hungry but it was literally 730p when I walked past the church on my route home and I was like Okay it wont hurt to just go. I get in there and its just maybe 7 people besides myself (pastor/wife included) and they start praising. Now it just think its funny when people say hallelujah over and over like a broken record. So I was holding in some giggles and just trying to focus on my own prayer to god while they did that for what seemed to be a good 15 minutes. We finally got down to it and he started talking different scriptures about jews and stuff. Didn't really pay attention to it too much, I was having my own conversations with god. Then they started talking about there not being a holy trinity. That jesus was in fact god and that grabbed my attention. So I listened again. The way they were talking about jesus though, it scared me. They made it sound like jesus was like a demon to be exorcized. They also started talking about speaking in tongue (that right there just reminds me of harry potter) so I am like OMG did I just join team slytherine BUT NOOOOOOO I'm team griffindor. I always knew instinctively that the devil ruled the tongue, hense blasphemers, but when I heard that I was like this is too wierd and culty for me. I love my god, i worship my god, but if I get an eery presence around me feeling like this isnt right. I just cannot be there any longer. I respect your beliefs Pentacostal religion, but I do not agree. I found out last night I was NOT that. I then started to wonder.... what if I got baptized in all the religions you can get baptized in. I mean, the root is love so it wouldn't be a bad thing I guess. I am trying to dedicate my life to you GOD, and only you. I guess my first mission in life is to understand the differences in religion and how its ok because as twisted as it may seem, they only intend to have good intentions. They want love, and to know how to love. They are human.

FEAR

I have always lived my life in fear as a child. Fear of molestation, fear of physical abuse, fear of emotional/psychological abuse, fear of survival and stability. I embodied it into my soul which affected my mind and essentially had negativity in my life. It took me to to where I developed Guillian Barre Syndrom where all my sense of control, humility, pride, arrogance, vanity, selfishness did I realize that it was a root of fear that caused the negativity into my body causing disease and strife. It made life easy to BLAME GOD because why would god do that to a child of innocense? why couldnt he help me when I needed him the most. It was my life lesson being taught in a very elongated process that I could not as a human understand. That not only took my fear away when I was lying in a deathbed on ICU having doctor and doctor saying that IF perchance my lungs and heart don't fail, there would be a probability that I may never be "normal" again. Walking, running, lingering nerve damage causing pain, etc. I am stubborn though. Through getting Guillian Barre, I felt EVERY nerve ending, EVERY blood flow, Every connection of my body. I basically did the same thing the girl in kill bill did when she atrophied AND IT WORKED. It was a slow process but all I knew is If I could move just ONE FINGER, my brain would recognize that. From that point on I decided If I had a fear (within logical reason) I would just replace it with trust in something bigger than myself. If I had a small fear, I CHALLENGED that fear because I trusted I would get through it. Hell, as of now I can walk, I can run, I can do EVERYTHING I could normally do. It was because my mind controled my body and my body responded to my mind and my soul was so strong in that faith they they together made the impossible POSSIBLE. AND I WAS OKAY! I have seen fear in others daily lives whether big nor bad and I will always tell them, fear just lets negative energy come through your pathways in order to manifest like a virus and ruin ALL hope your soul has will for. A man once told me (crazy ass spirtitual trucker guy) that fear is the only way the devil can get you. He cant touch your body and sure the hell has no say in your will, but he has the mind! Thats his loophole, but FAITH always wins and it just pisses him off but he/she/it knows you cant beat will power. Fear not the small things, it makes shit worse when the big shit hits the fan (an it will. Life is a test and thats an aspect of it) but if you collect so much hope, it becomes subconcious that you will make it through whatever it may be, a lesson will be learned, and you will evolve.