Super sad

I feel as if i need to get this out of my system so i am. I feel so overwhelmed lately. I had to move once again because my lease was up and now i live in hillcrest. Im with one of my best friends from arizona and that is a total blessing to have him here but everything else is deprivation. No money, no food, cant find work. Even this thanksgiving i will be 100 percent alone cuz curtis has to work and i likely wont eat either. People say look at the bright side, there are people that have it worse. I do look at that but simple fact is I live my life not theirs and mine is pretty shitty too. I look for work, yet i get nothing, i search for food, yet no one gives. I don't sleep well because i stress every day and i just become sicker and sicker with health problems. Sometimes i think i wish i could just die already so i wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore but i know i wont. My will is too strong, even if my mind and body say different. Plus if i was to die, who would create the business i am trying to start. Probably no one. My life mission is to leave a legacy for mankind. I sometimes wish i could just cry for days yet my body wont allow it. My mind justifies not doing so. How is it i pray to god for guidance, for love, for angels, and yet every day is still a struggle. I live by love. I treat people with respect, i embrace kindness and openly express ways for others to love. You would think i would at least get the simple things like food. I don't know. This seems pointless to even be expressing because when it comes down to it, i am the leader of my destiny. Even if people had sympathy/empathy they offer words. Words don't help, actions help. I know poor people so they cant offer much action, which i would likely turn down even if they offered anything. I WILL NOT take anything from poor people cuz i think they deserve whatever little things they have way more than i. I have been a horrible person in this life. I honestly don't feel as if i deserve to have happiness or the one true love in this life i have hopes for. I don't think god thinks i deserve it either. Maybe its true and the devils has this world and all of us in it. I just hope all these sorrows are taken away when i die. Oh well. I will continue to suffer, continue to love EVERYONE, continue to pray, continue to do my best to create a better world for others, and if when i die thats enough then well, its not enough. I wish i had happy thoughts right now though cuz i cant think of many at all. I am numb!

Day 1 "the hungry traveler"

As i went forth into day 1, i realized how much of a competition it was even to find a spot to "panhandle". Every time i would find a spot 15 minutes later a hoard of homeless people would gather around and "hustle". I came to a spot eventually and started to panhandle and was suprised at the lack of concern in drivers faces. Most would look down or away or start messing with their cell phones. Granted i only did it for three hours and in that time i made 4 dollars, a sack lunch, a taco bell buritto, two granola bars, and a six pack of soda. There was some welcoming friendly faces in the mix as well. Mainly elderly and young children and girls that looked like they could be from college. I felt like most all the people felt an internal "pressure" to help, much like a girl outside a grocery store selling girlscout cookies. I went inside businesses and asked how they felt about it and majority of them had a negative reaction to the concept. One guy who had a windshield repair stand said that he pays 1400 a month for a tiny little spot next to the freeway and when homeless people come to panhandle his business suffers from it, but the days they are not there, he ends up profiting. My instant internal thought was to collaborate with the homeless person and actually tell them the business is suffering and have the homeless person tell people with cracked windshields that are giving to him/her that they can get it fixed right over there. That way business is actually promoted while homeless still get money. Thats just my crazy thought process though. Seems tabu to mingle with the different social classes. I have heard all sorts of stereotypes from business owners/workers yet none of them admit to actually talking to them. Stereotypes do exist though for a reason. I talked with one homeless person that admitted to cooking meth. He showed lack of remorse for doing it knowing what meth does to people and said its just what he knows to do that profits greatly. He did it with cousins and uncles from the age of 13. It makes me sad to know that for 30 years this guy didnt have ONE positive role model in his life to teach him of other ways. It became an innate nature of selfishness due to lack of actual LOVE that drove the inevitable apathy he developed for his fellow man. Most all the homeless people were smart in each of their own ways. the "chemist/mechanic" that i just described or the "musician" that i encountered as well. I found out very quickly that homeless people just want to be heard, given a chance to exchange knowledge, them progress from there. In society there is a broken link to that chain due to stereotypes. Most common people with jobs/businesses/families approach the concept of homeless people as having to "walk on eggshells". For the most part, thats not even remotely the case at all. You approach them with love, kindness, and an open ear and it rekindles a light in their eye. So this is my conclusion for day 1. Stop judging, start mixing in with them, approach everyone with LOVE. Love meaning that it is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Three day study

Today i will embark on a three day study to analyze the different social stigmas and prove the equality or inequality of them. Day 1 will consist of "the traveler" i will stand by the freeway with a sign saying "hungry traveler", day 2 will be "disabled and homeless" and day 3 will be the "hungry convict". It will compare the mentalities of: choice not to work, not able to work, and wont be given a chance to work. My hypothesis is i will be given the most amount with "the traveler" and the least amount with "the convict" based on peoples everyday perception of those social stigmas. A portion of the proceeds will go to various charities.

Am i crazy?

I just dont understand how people can be so deeply lost to where they would want to die. Its a weird mentality to me. Not only is it self indulgent to where it affects loved ones, but its the only life we get. Maybe they have never been on a crash course with death before. People never really appreciate things until its gone i suppose. NOT ME THOUGH! I think all the time how blessed i am to even be able to move. Many cannot. How i do not die of starvation because many are. How i have comfot in the bed i lay in because many will not have that blessing. THEY SHOULD THOUGH! I love the fact i can smell a rose, or see the magnetic ocean. To hear music being played or the wonderful sound of a child's laughter. Life is such an adventure with new places and people and new knowledge that helps your own personal growth. Am i crazy to have this mentality when all that around me is negative? Am i living in a delusional state of bliss? I know it is MY CHOICE to see the glass as half empty or half full. I once led a miserable lonely life with self indulgence and inner hatred when i saw the glass as empty. It seems to me that life is so much brighter knowing that its not completely empty and i still have many sips to appreciate.

Refried bean recipe i made up

1/2 package garbanzo beans (dry 16oz)
1/2 package kidney beans (dry 16oz)
1/2 package pinto beans (dry 16oz)
1 1/2 tbspn crushed red pepper
1 tspn cayenne pepper
3 tbspn garlic powder
3 tbspn onion powder
1 1/2 tbspn creole seasoning
1 tbspn salt
I cup conola oil
Soak beans overnight. Sift through to pick bad beans out. Cook on low heat WITHOUT draining soak water. Add spices and oil. After about 20 min start mashing beans. Water will boil down so when beans start to stick a little after stir put one cup water back into it. Repeat process until desired consistancy.

Livingnecessity goal!

Hey peeps. I have a goal that i would like to meet. I am trying to add at least 5 new resources to my www.livingnecessity.com website each day until the end of the year! That way i will have at least 360 to 400 available resources for people to get their needs met whether it be food, shelter, clothes, rental assistance, medication help, dental work, etc BUT I NEED YOUR HELP. If you know of any resources in your area, please contact me at jason@livingnecessity.com so i can start creating your state full of resources. Remember, the information you provide could change the lives of many for the future! You willing to be that angel? Let us all come together and make this world a little easier place to live in!

Awesome soulmate action

I had a dream last night of my soulmate and it was so cool. Im 31 and have never had a boy friend and never really cared too much about getting one. Not that i didn't want to know what it was like to fall in love but as i went through life and established friendships with others, i knew my life wasn't like normal peoples to where they have failed relationships and devastation and falling in love again and all that. I have always known that there will be only one love that i get to experience and it would be towards the end of my life. Ive always, since about 19 or 20, communicated in my dreams with that person. Just little things like i cant wait to meet you, or let him know when i have been down and out that i needed him. He always responded back in my dream too and has done the same thing with me. He even called me recently to san diego saying that time is coming soon and he will be here waiting for when i am ready. Its been a subconscious love that has driven me to live through things doctors say should have killed me a long time ago. So last night i heard his voice for the first time ever! We were on the phone talking about how much we missed each other and how it has been so long since we last touched and we laughed about corny jokes i believe we were talking about through the lives we both had here apart from another and at the end before i woke up he said that he loved me and time is coming for both of us to unite again and share the rest of our lives together just like we both planned. Ive always known that my life was nothing but a fun adventure and never feared death because i knew how i was going to die, when i was going to die, and who will be around when i die and I've always known my only reason for living is to live life until i reach my soulmate again so we can both die together in each others arms. Ive loved this person for many lifetimes and know i will probably play this game called life again to find him all over again and find that one true love. To me, love is eternal. Through life, through death. It lives on forever. I love you soul mate and i will keep my heart open and my eyes peeled! I hear your voice now!