Depths of sorrow, torture and pain.
Sadness grows with materials gain.
Carelessness, anarchy, and corporate greed.
Thousands are dying and many in need
You are to fat to plant that seed
You bitch and complain whine and need
Up on your couch as you feed.
Get up off your ass and help someone out
Or shut your fucking trap
So we can help someone else

Grr

The anger inside me,
Continues to grow.
I keep it inside so nobody knows.
Its growing so much that i scream and i scream,
Someone please help me,
Im really not mean.
Im lost and confused and have no way
I really need help like today.
But you do not see me and don't even care
You shove me aside like I'm not even there
The world around me continues to grow
But the world inside i just don't know
Im lonely, depressed, angry and sad
The world around me just makes me so mad
There will be a day when you must explain
How u didn't help the fellow man in pain.

Funny shit

Gay movies crack me up. If its not xxx porn its a story about a white closeted guy who runs into a feminine ethnic gay and they get to know each other and casually have sex. Next thing u know they are together bit oh no. They must struggle with coming to terms with homosexuality which inevitably is a close call downward spiral to ending the relationship. They split yet yearn. They closet guy sees him and says that he wants him no matter what it takes and they live happily ever after and thats it cuz bitches cant marry. But im like oh yah i cant even count how many times thats happened to me.
I just dont get. I had this guy ask me online to bareback him. If you dont know its sex without a condom. Hes like but i wanna feel your "you know" inside. Hes like i wanna hurry up and get hiv so i dont fear it anymore. I was like you dirty whore what the fuck. It made me sad, i mean this is the kinda prince charming lined up for my dream date. Yay me.
Thats a lot of the reason why I've never had a boyfriend. Not that i don't want one but like Cher from clueless says "you know how picky i aam about my shoes and they only go on my feet" same applies here. I don't like sassy bottoms and the muscle men i like im too insecure for. So i stay alone which im cool with.

I am lost

Since coming back to san diego i have felt so lost that i dont know what i am to do. I know a lot has to do with the guilt of getting drunk and losing my nanas rosary. Its consuming me. Altho i think maybe that cross was only meant to symbolize the end of an addiction. Each time i think of drinking i see the cross and my heart breaks all over again. It should be a blessing but that comes with a bitter sorrow. I think of why i came here in the first place. To finish my website and start this business. Granted i know that it would benifit many people but its also selfish because i know i would gain material posessions. Im not supposed to have material items though. I have always been a materialless person in a material world. Its kinda like how i know my life is not meant to love another person intimately as well. I am supposed to know the sorrow without love and a life without things. Im thinking maybe i should just go back to tucson and live in a homeless shelter. I could still work on my website which still have tons of work and people will still use it (i hope) but i could also be with my family. I miss the love of my gramma. The earthliness of my auntie. The conradary of my sister and the friendships of my cousins. I want my niece and nephews to have an uncle. As much of a lack of inspiration i am to people. I still feel i have an impact on their existance. I wish god would give me answers but my god has never worked that way. I was given free will and he just wants to kick back and see what i become (or dont become). I really hope next month the world ends. I am really tired. More so my soul than my body, even tho thats pretty worn too. I dont think the end of the world will happen tho. If the bible contains the truth then everyone is putting faith in nostradamus as well as the myans which duh would be false prophets. God says he will come and steal you like a theif in the night and no man shall predict his coming. I have a feeling thats true. I just want to find HOME and go there. My soul has been lost way too long.

Why do i think the way i do

All my life ive been able to tell people about theirselves. People dont believe me (and thats fine, but i dont lie so thats all that matters to me) but when i was a kid i grew pure white long curles and i would see colorful energies that hovered around every person. I would not go with peoples and theow tantums if forced. As i got older i started learning to tell personality traits in people based on their voice and body language. I could tell based on what i already knew from other personality traits that i met in past that i could put a general understanding of what they might have gone through
And then just had general convo until i proved it right. Now in my older years, i still get a feeling about people on an energy level but i dont see auras. When i meet people i get their birthdays, once i know their personality characteristics through their sun, moon, venus, mercury, mars, etc. i can pretty much tell a good basis on everything about them. Its wierd to me that people dont think like this. Like just the simple thing like if i person looks down or away it means a few things. They have something to hide, or they are scared or nervous. Their personality traits would be unable to love unconditionally or possible abuse in the past they have not dealt with. . Anyways, ive been wanted to explain for a long time just the liitle simple aspect in the complexity of my mind. I thank god ALL the time for this gift. Cuz im 100 percent in belief that it is a gift from god. Hes given me the ability to let the people i encounter know that we all are connected and that its ok to let people in and its the purpose of life to work on how to do that. Every person i have met in life has had a feeling of separation. Many dont know how to connect. They have never been taught or just the fact that thats societies goal in general. I try let people know its cool if you wanna connect with me cuz i know im not god and i dont do that judgement shit. Its not my place. I think im a pretty fuuny, corny, smart, nice kinda guy. I just like to be nice to others cuz its cool when people are nice back. Anyways. That is all for now. You kinda know how i think (trust me my mind is far more complex tgan that though)

Bigotry in the states

Its been a while since ive posted a blog but found it compelling to discuss a video i saw on youtube. The video Link is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2n7vSPwhSU&sns=em

The pastor gave a solution of getting rid of gay and lesbians similar to methods that of hitlers concentration camps for jews in the past. Here is an email i sent in response to their statement. I am a gay man btw that is baptized methodist and raised pagan/agnostic. And have analyzed similarities as well as differences in religions and mentally highlighted on the aspects of LOVE that comes from ALL religions

I just watched a youtube video that was uploaded with a sermon your pastor charles worley expressed about what to do with homosexuals and was extremely disturbed about his solution. In his statement he suggests rounding up gays and lesbians surrounded with an electric fence to let them die off. Im wondering how you can claim that to be godly in any way shape or form. Your preaching of a method similar to adolf hitlers solution of jews through concentration camps. That shows a blasphemous tongue. In john 4:8 it states "god is love." and in corinthians states the definition of love. You pastor might be skipping the true message from god and replacing it with personal judgements. But it specifically states THOU SHALL NOT KILL. Now i am not fueled with hateful resentments toward you or your church. My only intention is to inform you the aspects of the bible you are neglecting through blind hate. I understand that the generation your pastor is from is a generation of destruction and segregation, lack of knowledge and hate. But if you have any sense of technology you would know that your generation is dying off and so is the teaching of your hateful parents. This is a time of love, unity, progression, and transformation and one day soon you will be judged yourself what is in your heart and if it is filled will hate, you will know gods wrath. May god have mercy on that pastors soul.

If You would like to voice your thoughts and opinions to the church here is the info

Address
Providence Road Baptist Church
3283 Providence Mill Rd
Maiden, NC 28650
Telephone#: 828-428-2518
Fax#: 828-428-3358

Mailing Address
P.O. Box 507
Maiden, NC 28650
Contact List
Pastor Charles L. Worley
email: pastor@prbcnc.com
Missions Director
email: missions@prbcnc.com
Missionary Pastor
email: pastorvictor@prbcnc.com
Youth Director
email: youth@prbcnc.com
Secretary
email: secretary@prbcnc.com

Valentines Day

Today is a special day. To me it has always been a day to enlighten me on the independant nature i have. A day of self awareness that i do not need one special person to share my life with. Today some people are lonely. Wishing they had someone to show them romance and love. Some people have a dysfunctional love and will be beaten when all they want is for that love. Some will have the best days of their lives and possibly be proposed to. Whether you are sad and lonely, beaten and alone even though you are with someone, or its the happiest day in your life, just know that GOD loves you and thats all that really matters in this day and age. A man/woman can give you sexual/emotional satisfaction but when your spiritually satisfied it completes you in ALL aspects. Let this day bring you all the love and joy in the world and even if you are alone today just know that God loves you AND SO DO I! Chin up!

Who am i to judge?

When i look at a homeless person many things go in my mind. How did they get there? By choice? Are they on drugs? Mentally disabled? I wonder how long? Who have they met? How long have they been like this? Out of all the answers i get from that type of people the only thing i will judge is am i safe? Most of the time YES is the answer. You can tell by the stories they tell, the way they present themselves, the look in their eyes. We all have our story that just wants to be heard. To tell people of our pain and reach out to those who might be similar in experience to give advice so they might not have to go through the same pain. So who am i to assume that just by looking at someone, they choose it? They are addicts? Who am i to think why should i help them? I would just enable them to keep doing drugs or creating an unsafe world for others. I know personally thats not the case. I have known a girl for 10 years or more that has been homeless for most of it. Yes she is mentally disabled but would she hurt ANYONE? NO! Shes funny, outgoing, and a pleasure to be around but her dream is to be homeless around the united states. Shes a gypsy like personality. People always say for homeless people to "get a job". Well its society that enforces us to enslave ourselves like that due to corporate greed. Its innate for us to think of it like that. There are some people out there that think, if i didnt have my job i would have nothing. Wouldnt it be the balance for another person to say i never want to work? People are stuck on those two factors and make judgements based on that which doesnt allow for them to think "well since a person likes to obsessively work, it would be okay not to have to for others". But then its not fair right? WRONG. Through the programming we have endured we have to realize that we are all extremists in one way or another. We so want a "moderate balance" to life we are unwilling to realize we are on another level now. "extreme balance". For what one homeless person CANT or is unable to do, there are extreme people that take pleasure in doing two mens jobs. And if the balance falls short, WE HAVE MACHINES! There is plenty of junk in this world, plenty of food, and plenty of water for any one of us to never have to work if we dont want to, but we are taught to judge from a very early age. Thats fine. Its how humans survive, but we dont have to stigmatize people based on those judgements because "what goes up, must come down". Life has given us tools to look past our judgements if we choose to see it.

It sucks that i think im going to hell

I don't believe EVERYTHING the bible has in it because it was interpreted by man and man is imperfect, but there are things in it that "make sense" to be. The definition of LOVE, for one has been the truest definition out there. I know, i always question peoples definition because its jaded from life. Another is GOD IS LOVE! I know that because i have seen god on various occasions through near death/death experiences and is was, well, all i can say was it was a pure, refreshing, happy feeling each time. BUT i know i will go to hell. I have always chosen to be gay. Ive never envisioned my life with man or woman. Ever since i first heard about GOD, that was the life i envisioned. Through molestation, beatings, lack of love, verbal abuse, etc that i endured i turned away because i didn't think if god loved me like that it would be my life path. I turned to witchcraft for a long time in my teens and was an angry child that did many drugs. That was innate for me. Soon after i found out my mom was a witch as well. In fact most my family are. They just didnt have the internal anger i did. Soon after i was kicked out of my moms for doing drugs, i went and lived with my aunt who was a drunkard. She would bring home parties and i would sleep with men. Ironically i have always been attracted to men slightly older than me with muscular build. That was the same qualities the person in my childhood that molested me had. After a while it became habit, them it became perversion. I told myself if i had a fantasy i would fulfill it. And i did. (no worries people nothing like kids or rape or weird stuff like that). I have been a drunkard, an adulterer, a thief, a liar, a con artist, a homo, a witch, , a slanderer, a blasphemer. I have had moments of lust, vanity, anger, revenge, sloth, gluttony, and pride. I have had EVERYTHING, the bible said is wrong. Thank god never murder though. So even when i asked god for forgiveness through baptism, i know he wanted too, but i am not! I just hope that god is indeed love, and love is patient and kind. Because i really do try to be a loving person. I try to encourage peoples dreams. I try to encourage myself to help end suffering as much as i can. If i am warm, and someone else is freezing. I will take their place and freeze so they may have warmth. If someone needs an ear and a hug because they are sad, i will do both and try my best to make them at least end up with a smile. Thats what makes me happy. I dont know if its my way of asking god for forgiveness in hopes that he will but it feels right to me so i go with it. I vowed this year to become celibate and well last time it went a year and a half so thats my thing to god for this year. To give up sexual compulsions. I know when i did it before i gained a ton of respect for myself. Now I'm doing it for god. I don't want love from a guy or a girl or anything. Id just be okay with gods love. They say it is better to loved before than to never have loved at all and i think people take that out of context because i have loved so many people in this life, but i have never had romantic love. Thats not why i was born. My love goes to humanity as a whole. It cannot be consumed by just one person.

So i wonder.

I often wonder what goes on in peoples minds. When someone stares off in space, or is walking around enjoying a beautiful day. The internet is a viable source of finding it out but when was the last time you had a random stranger come up to you and tell you an interesting piece of information that you did not know? It seems like the government has now convinced us that there is a time and place for everything, EVEN OUR THOUGHTS! We turn to communication solely through the internet. When we go out to a social place, we turn to the internet to communicate with the familiar instead of getting to know the unknown that is right in front of our faces. Why is it for so many people to stay inside a bubble rather than to say one simple word that can change your whole existence. That word is HELLO. We wonder why we have so much sorrow, so much solitude, so much anger! The fact is we are so disconnected as a whole that we have lost sight of the importance of life. EACH OTHER! Imagine a life where you could openly talk about things with each other and really connect with someone. Or a life where if your tears show on your face while you were walking down the street, someone would come up and ask you whats wrong and offer a hug and a wise word to leave you to ponder. If we cannot come together, get past the evil in this world and unify, we are weak. We are the beaten slaves our ancestors have produced through greed, gluttony, sloth, anger, revenge, etc. if we cannot be willing to get past our hurt, our own anger, lack of trust, etc and reach out to ANY fellow person around. We have lost LOVE. We no longer exist. Love is a ruling factor of life. Having it or being deprived of it determines a sociological outcome of how successful, how prone we are for disease, how intellectual we can become. If you cant give a sad person walking down the street a hug and a wise word, YOU HAVE NOT FULFILLED YOUR LIFE MISSION. Sometimes it takes baby steps but we are in a world of "leaps and bounds". We are not baby boomers and don't have all the time in the world anymore. As i always say "CARE-BEAR STARE"

Sex and procreation

People say "god made sex for procreation only" and thats great for a select genre of people. Your the breeders of the world. We need that mentality. I like being the opposite of that. I WILL NEVER PROCREATE. Until we fix our own selves and this precious world that we all are taking our sweet time to fix, how could i ever thinking about leaving someone else to take care of it. We have plenty enough people in this world. Were not rare lions or something. I get the blessing of JUST focusing on two things. Myseld AND EVERYONE. Gay people are here to help fix what has been broken for quite some time due to greed, sloth, gluttony, anger, revenge, vanity, and lust. Yes some of us gays get lost in some of those things as well. Society hasn't been to LOVING or kind. When an animal gets beat for a long time mentally or physically it tends to learn aggressive behavior as a defense mechanism. It hurts to be hurt. No one in their semi sane mind wants that.. I think that no matter what, if you cant practice "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." to EVERYONE in your life INCLUDING YOURSELF, you should NOT procreate. Its just selfish any other way.

I just dont understand

Ive always been the type of guy that lights up a room with energy and laughter. People like me cuz im nice and fun and outgoing and on top of that i make them think. Challenge their mind for their self growth and purpose. The past 6 months though it has become slowly different. I have become reclusive. Not only because of financial reasons but also because i have wanted to. My mind is bringing up feelings of worthlessness and sorrow. Little things like well you dont deserve to go out, or you will never find the love of your life because you are a piece of shit and don't deserve to be loved like that. Your ugly and scrawny, balding, and dying. Why would anyone want to invest time with you unless its just to fuck you. It almost seems like my mind is starting to damn my soul. Of course i dont want to think this way, i dont want to be that person but how do i tell myself that its not true and believe it? Its really sad and irritating because i am a strong person. I dont cry, i pick myself up and figure out solutions to scenarios and i grow from them. I have cried so much these past few months and im now in a rut i feel like is becoming a cycle of insanity and im just so worm out from it all. I thought my soul was sick and tired when i lived in arizona but its like moving to california and dealing with deprivation over and over time after time has just enhanced everything I've always felt my whole life from Bieng told these things repetitively. I feel weak and i don't like it because since i was 21 all i did time and time again was fought death because i wanted to live, and more and more its becoming the opposite was around. God give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference! Help me lord! Please save my soul from the devils in my mind because i know i should feel love, if not from any other person in this world, i should feel it from you but i dont. I feel a void in my soul god that only you can fill! Will you help me god? Will you open my blinded eyes and teach this fool your wisdom!? I need you so much right now! This very moment, and from this day forward!

The voices within my head

Get up off you ass! Your worthless. What a piece of shit. You'll never amount to anything. You dont deserve love. Your nothing. Your stupid. Your weak. Your an idiot. Your a loser. You should die! No one really gives a shit about a piece of trash like you. Your disposable. Your going to hell no matter how hard you try. Keep fighting you will only lose. This game of life you have already lost. Angels don't listen, the devil just laughs. My soul is forsaken. Eternal misery is a given. I am cursed. I am sin

Endless tunnel

An endless tunnel,
Where i thought was light.
I didnt give up,
All i did was fight.
Countless scenarios where i almost died,
Many sleepless nights in which i cried.
I prayed and prayed for life to begin.
But it will never happen,
I am born of sin.
My light was just hope,
And through time it just faded.
My hope was just falsifed,
And left me just jaded.
Jaded of this world, the nastiness within.
The world is my hell and i am the sin.
My eyes are now shut,
And this is my prayer.
God help me with life,
Help me with despair.
I want your light,
Your loving glow,
At the end of my tunnel,
I hope you show!

Super sad

I feel as if i need to get this out of my system so i am. I feel so overwhelmed lately. I had to move once again because my lease was up and now i live in hillcrest. Im with one of my best friends from arizona and that is a total blessing to have him here but everything else is deprivation. No money, no food, cant find work. Even this thanksgiving i will be 100 percent alone cuz curtis has to work and i likely wont eat either. People say look at the bright side, there are people that have it worse. I do look at that but simple fact is I live my life not theirs and mine is pretty shitty too. I look for work, yet i get nothing, i search for food, yet no one gives. I don't sleep well because i stress every day and i just become sicker and sicker with health problems. Sometimes i think i wish i could just die already so i wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore but i know i wont. My will is too strong, even if my mind and body say different. Plus if i was to die, who would create the business i am trying to start. Probably no one. My life mission is to leave a legacy for mankind. I sometimes wish i could just cry for days yet my body wont allow it. My mind justifies not doing so. How is it i pray to god for guidance, for love, for angels, and yet every day is still a struggle. I live by love. I treat people with respect, i embrace kindness and openly express ways for others to love. You would think i would at least get the simple things like food. I don't know. This seems pointless to even be expressing because when it comes down to it, i am the leader of my destiny. Even if people had sympathy/empathy they offer words. Words don't help, actions help. I know poor people so they cant offer much action, which i would likely turn down even if they offered anything. I WILL NOT take anything from poor people cuz i think they deserve whatever little things they have way more than i. I have been a horrible person in this life. I honestly don't feel as if i deserve to have happiness or the one true love in this life i have hopes for. I don't think god thinks i deserve it either. Maybe its true and the devils has this world and all of us in it. I just hope all these sorrows are taken away when i die. Oh well. I will continue to suffer, continue to love EVERYONE, continue to pray, continue to do my best to create a better world for others, and if when i die thats enough then well, its not enough. I wish i had happy thoughts right now though cuz i cant think of many at all. I am numb!

Day 1 "the hungry traveler"

As i went forth into day 1, i realized how much of a competition it was even to find a spot to "panhandle". Every time i would find a spot 15 minutes later a hoard of homeless people would gather around and "hustle". I came to a spot eventually and started to panhandle and was suprised at the lack of concern in drivers faces. Most would look down or away or start messing with their cell phones. Granted i only did it for three hours and in that time i made 4 dollars, a sack lunch, a taco bell buritto, two granola bars, and a six pack of soda. There was some welcoming friendly faces in the mix as well. Mainly elderly and young children and girls that looked like they could be from college. I felt like most all the people felt an internal "pressure" to help, much like a girl outside a grocery store selling girlscout cookies. I went inside businesses and asked how they felt about it and majority of them had a negative reaction to the concept. One guy who had a windshield repair stand said that he pays 1400 a month for a tiny little spot next to the freeway and when homeless people come to panhandle his business suffers from it, but the days they are not there, he ends up profiting. My instant internal thought was to collaborate with the homeless person and actually tell them the business is suffering and have the homeless person tell people with cracked windshields that are giving to him/her that they can get it fixed right over there. That way business is actually promoted while homeless still get money. Thats just my crazy thought process though. Seems tabu to mingle with the different social classes. I have heard all sorts of stereotypes from business owners/workers yet none of them admit to actually talking to them. Stereotypes do exist though for a reason. I talked with one homeless person that admitted to cooking meth. He showed lack of remorse for doing it knowing what meth does to people and said its just what he knows to do that profits greatly. He did it with cousins and uncles from the age of 13. It makes me sad to know that for 30 years this guy didnt have ONE positive role model in his life to teach him of other ways. It became an innate nature of selfishness due to lack of actual LOVE that drove the inevitable apathy he developed for his fellow man. Most all the homeless people were smart in each of their own ways. the "chemist/mechanic" that i just described or the "musician" that i encountered as well. I found out very quickly that homeless people just want to be heard, given a chance to exchange knowledge, them progress from there. In society there is a broken link to that chain due to stereotypes. Most common people with jobs/businesses/families approach the concept of homeless people as having to "walk on eggshells". For the most part, thats not even remotely the case at all. You approach them with love, kindness, and an open ear and it rekindles a light in their eye. So this is my conclusion for day 1. Stop judging, start mixing in with them, approach everyone with LOVE. Love meaning that it is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Three day study

Today i will embark on a three day study to analyze the different social stigmas and prove the equality or inequality of them. Day 1 will consist of "the traveler" i will stand by the freeway with a sign saying "hungry traveler", day 2 will be "disabled and homeless" and day 3 will be the "hungry convict". It will compare the mentalities of: choice not to work, not able to work, and wont be given a chance to work. My hypothesis is i will be given the most amount with "the traveler" and the least amount with "the convict" based on peoples everyday perception of those social stigmas. A portion of the proceeds will go to various charities.

Am i crazy?

I just dont understand how people can be so deeply lost to where they would want to die. Its a weird mentality to me. Not only is it self indulgent to where it affects loved ones, but its the only life we get. Maybe they have never been on a crash course with death before. People never really appreciate things until its gone i suppose. NOT ME THOUGH! I think all the time how blessed i am to even be able to move. Many cannot. How i do not die of starvation because many are. How i have comfot in the bed i lay in because many will not have that blessing. THEY SHOULD THOUGH! I love the fact i can smell a rose, or see the magnetic ocean. To hear music being played or the wonderful sound of a child's laughter. Life is such an adventure with new places and people and new knowledge that helps your own personal growth. Am i crazy to have this mentality when all that around me is negative? Am i living in a delusional state of bliss? I know it is MY CHOICE to see the glass as half empty or half full. I once led a miserable lonely life with self indulgence and inner hatred when i saw the glass as empty. It seems to me that life is so much brighter knowing that its not completely empty and i still have many sips to appreciate.

Refried bean recipe i made up

1/2 package garbanzo beans (dry 16oz)
1/2 package kidney beans (dry 16oz)
1/2 package pinto beans (dry 16oz)
1 1/2 tbspn crushed red pepper
1 tspn cayenne pepper
3 tbspn garlic powder
3 tbspn onion powder
1 1/2 tbspn creole seasoning
1 tbspn salt
I cup conola oil
Soak beans overnight. Sift through to pick bad beans out. Cook on low heat WITHOUT draining soak water. Add spices and oil. After about 20 min start mashing beans. Water will boil down so when beans start to stick a little after stir put one cup water back into it. Repeat process until desired consistancy.

Livingnecessity goal!

Hey peeps. I have a goal that i would like to meet. I am trying to add at least 5 new resources to my www.livingnecessity.com website each day until the end of the year! That way i will have at least 360 to 400 available resources for people to get their needs met whether it be food, shelter, clothes, rental assistance, medication help, dental work, etc BUT I NEED YOUR HELP. If you know of any resources in your area, please contact me at jason@livingnecessity.com so i can start creating your state full of resources. Remember, the information you provide could change the lives of many for the future! You willing to be that angel? Let us all come together and make this world a little easier place to live in!